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Criticism is a Default Behavior That You Can Switch On/Off
Let’s begin with you and I. Let’s take control of what we can control which is us.
We’ll talk about the pain you and I feel when criticized and how to overcome that pain, but for the moment, we focus on our Selves and the challenges we can cause others. Fair?
Oftentimes, when we are confronted with an undesirable situation or event, we tend to criticize or find fault.
What’s going on around here?
What happened here?
Who did this?
All these questions may not necessarily be suggestive of a criticism, but somehow, they are posed in a negative manner.
Criticizing is a reaction that is second nature to most of us….it is a “default behavior.”
Criticizing is part of your biological make up …often without the frontal lobes having a vote on whether the words should depart from the mouth.
Really?
Really.
People find faults more often than they find solutions. This is because it’s always easier to spot the problem and it is sometimes far more difficult to find the solution.
Anyone can find SOME problem!
🙂
To criticize, complain, or condemn others is futile. This only creates more problems than the original ones.
- Boss
- Wife
- Lover
- Friend
- Child
- Employee
For heaven’s sake, start catching yourself now when you criticize.
The result is at times, dangerous, because criticizing hurts a person’s pride and self-importance, and this leads to resentment.
When people resent you, they will consciously or unconsciously seek and get revenge. One thing is certain. They WILL take the revenge action at some point.
Not maybe…
They will.
Your marriage, your relationship, your division, your business.
It’s all the same.
Criticism costs you a good life and LOTS of emotional bank account points.
Criticism Causes Resentment and Payback
What are the typical reactions of a person being criticized?
→ FLIGHT
→ FIGHT
Suppose a homeowner hires a gardener who is responsible for the upkeep of her property. Let us suppose that after a certain period, the gardener finds the work performance of the gardener unsatisfactory. The gardener could do lots of things to change this, but let’s say the options were to select either of the following:
- Tell the gardener straight forward that she is not satisfied with the gardener’s performance and criticize her; or
- Ask the gardener to accompany her in visiting a friend. The homeowners purpose is to show her gardener, her friend’s home that she finds satisfactorily maintained. During the visit, her friend’s gardener can give tips to her gardener on effective procedures.
If you’re the homeowner and you choose the first approach (by criticizing), it is likely that your relationship with your gardener will get strained. The effect of criticizing has a lot to do with the attitude of the person being criticized.
If she takes it lightheartedly, this may not lead to resentment. But if she takes it defiantly, the effects can at times be disastrous or disadvantageous.
EVENTUALLY criticism makes a person defensive. Your defensive gardeners reaction is to find justification for her actions.
Defensive acts will lead to people ripping you off, spreading gossip about you…all kinds of lovely things… (flight/fight)
So let’s FIX IT NOW, stop YOUR PAIN, and never accidentally hurt them again.
An act of diplomacy, free of criticism, could be the right approach to better understanding and cooperation between two people. Going back to the case between the homeowner and gardener, the second approach shows the homeowner’s subtle way of conveying her message to the gardener – how she wants the job done to her satisfaction, without resulting in strained relationships.
Give Them a Second Chance
When you ask a person to do a certain task that results in an outcome that falls short of expectations, quite often you don’t give the person a second chance to prove his worth.
Some factors may have to be taken into consideration depending on the situation at hand. At any rate, improvement, free from criticism, with room for a second chance to prove one’s worth, is a welcome change.
How can you criticize and still be kind?