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Today, what you and I are talking about are things you and I… and people we care about, say and do every day…to each other…things that we say at work, at home, and in conversation about people we supposedly care about. This is in large part my concern.
A few quick points before you dig into criticism.
“Fair” and “Unfair” Criticism
Legend Point: “Fair” criticism means that what is being said is true. Just because something is true however doesn’t mean the criticism itself is something that needs to be stated. Intention goes deeper than truth. Intent is not the same as “Fair.” Intent matters.
In other words, “Don’t hire Kevin to change your oil in your car, not his area of specialty.”
Fair. It certainly stings a little, but it’s fair and probably not ill intended. Certainly I couldn’t debate the issue!
Legend Point: “Intentionally Unfair” criticism is what happens when someone says something about you true or not and it is said with the intent to demean, diminish, or cause pain instead of repair. It’s said to hurt instead of assist.
As a mentor, people pay me to “criticize” then repair and redirect their actions, their business and life strategies” …but not to criticize THEMselves as people.
Doing something foolish is one thing. Being a foolish person is another. Doing something bad is human. Being a bad person is a poor life choice.
“Constructive criticism” is a pretty complex term filled with all kinds of problems… but, there IS such a thing. Whether there is intention for harm and desire to be heard, is largely what determines whether it is warranted or not. The vast majority of constructive criticism cuts with a knife and is directed with vicious intent.
I constantly seek constructive criticism from a few very select people I trust. The criteria? They relish in my being better, looking better, feeling better, being the best.
Criticism is a pretty complex and sensitive area.
Criticism is something like smacking someone in the head, except with words.
And the fact is, just about all criticism hurts.
All Criticism Stings
One of my mentee’s in the Platinum Inner Circle offered me some “unsolicited feedback.”
His comment was totally accurate. 100%. And I knew that there was not one single ounce of malice in his statement.
But it stung.
And for change to happen, it needs to sting, or what happened would simply occur again in the future.
He made sure I knew that his purpose was not to cause the sting factor.
I knew that of course, as sure as I know you are reading this. But it still stung. Not a lot. Just a little.
So let’s agree that pretty much all criticism, paid/unpaid, solicited/unsolicited, constructive/unconstructive/malicious….
It all hurts.
And the people around you and me all feel the same inside.
Now, I’m not saying you have a challenge with criticism, but let’s just imagine that you could be 10% better in this area…both in shooting out criticism and smarting less when you are on the painful end.
Most people don’t criticize with the intent to do you emotional damage. But that’s what most people do.
Consider…
What super power do you need to stop hurting when someone criticizes you?
How can you be certain that you will not hurt others when you speak?
