How to Criticize and Still Be Kind
Think about all the people in your life.
Some people say, “you are the nicest guy I’ve ever met.”
Others say, “man you have an edge but you really care.”
Still others say, “you can really be tough on me.”
And the actions on your part are pretty similar in communicating with each of those people.
Their past matters. Did they have a hyper-critical parent or boss? It does matter in how they will experience you.
Have you ever encountered an experience when someone told you how fat you’ve become?
Maybe your boss has commented on how bad your work turned out to be. Maybe you’ve heard from other folks how people view you as cold and unapproachable.
Stings. Sometimes bad. Believe it or not, some people can be so tactless that they are not even aware when they’ve hurt anyone’s feelings.
(Put my picture up on that wall for this sin having been committed…)
The receiving parties, especially t
he sensitive ones, would be “offended” by their remarks.
This then results in conflicts and arguments.
You know you’re doing them a favor by saving them from shame or disappointment, but would they realize your good intentions instead of feeling hurt by your brutally frank comments or advice?
More likely, they’ll simply think you’re rude or impolite.
LEGEND QUESTION: What can you do if you really need to assert an honest criticism… but you’re afraid of hurting others’ feelings?
Want to know a helpful strategy?
Take the Sting out of Criticism
Sandwich your “negative” comment between two positive remarks.
For example, your best friend John is going on his very first date. He’s all excited….
Now John doesn’t have any fashion sense. He’s wearing a bland shirt and old jeans.
You know how he hates to admit that he’s wrong. (He’s a guy and when we were born we all took the oath to never admit error.)
So what will you do to save John from an embarrassing first date?
“Hey STOOPID, you want her to laugh when she see’s you?”
Would you say to him that the outfit he’s wearing is repulsive?
You get the idea….
HELPING is never easy…it generally comes across as hurting…bad.
First, point out the things that you like his overall appearance. Comment on his nice looking hair. (Lying can be a means to a greater end….) Tell him he looks cool when wearing his sunglasses. Ask him where he bought his cologne. Be sincere and honest. (Don’t go on and on or John will think you want to date him and that can create all kinds of difficulties…)
Next up….gently note your point of view and recommendation for change. You can tell him something like:
“Hey man, this is your first date, I’m thinking Jasmin will be massively impressed if you wear something like what you wore at that party last month.”
Then make another positive statement. You could say something like:
“You do that and you will rock.”
Do you think John would be offended by the recommendation?
Not likely. You have successfully inserted a slightly negative piece of feedback into a plethora of acceptable and ego-boosting remarks.
People love compliments.
People want to hear how great they are from as many other people as humanly possible!
So if you are going to criticize anybody, remember to praise him first. It will leave a positive impression that you care.
Then say what you have to say, but in a smooth and non-offensive manner. Finalize the communication with another positive reinforcement to establish a foundation of goodwill. It works.
Criticism predictably leads to one thing… and now we must fix your pain…
Why Argue? You Can’t Win Anyway
Have you noticed the predictable outcome of an argument between two people or groups with contradicting views?
Is there really a winner?
Exactly.
To most people, being contradicted and told they are wrong in front of other people is a king size problem. For obvious reasons, (remember biology…flight/fight) no one can tolerate being contradicted, especially in front of others. It is an embarrassment.
When you tell someone they are wrong and another person or group is present you are insulting that person’s ability to perceive reality.
A person forced to submit against his will stays firm in his belief. So what’s the best advice to a situation that seems to lead to an impending argument?
LEGEND POINT: Welcome an opinion even though it is the opposite of your own.
When two people go into a partnership, let’s say in business, it is normal that disagreements arise. Actually, it is healthy and necessary for business.
Disagreements don’t mean that the partnership will go sour. It’s the exchange of ideas that gives businesses more competitive edges and improvements. Use disagreements to your advantage.
This is especially true to married couples. Husbands and wives may disagree but they ultimately find a common ground to make their relationship stronger. It’s like exploring each other, getting to know your partner better.
Dr. John Gottman shared with me that according to his divorce research, about 70% of all disagreements/arguments that recur are unresolvable. (I think I got that right.)
That’s a pretty amazing statistic and in retrospect, it seems about right.
I mean, you argue about the “same thing” over and over too don’t you?
Everyone does.
Agree to Disagree
So instead of criticizing each others viewpoints (what we all used to do), we now agree to disagree on these topics. We make sure the other person knows how we feel and what we think and vice versa.
The key of course is EMOTION.
If you are the temperamental type, learn to control it.
Make every effort to gradually reduce the intensity until you see substantial improvement.
Temper that is out of control is fueled by anger like a forest fire.
How do you keep your tongue from criticizing and expressing your anger to boot?
Well that’s the subject of a book but think about this…
Develop Your Listening Skills
One of the most important character traits you can develop to avoid arguments is to be a good listener.
LEGEND POINT: Give your ear a chance to listen first before you let words come out of your mouth.
My grandfather used to sit and think for a minute before answering some questions that came his way….now I know why!
And when you do have a word or two to say, try your best to align them in a non-argumentative direction. Be tactful. Dwell on areas where you think you and the other party will agree.
Be Sincere
If you make a mistake, acknowledge and apologize accordingly.
Apologizing for mistakes does not make you a lesser person in terms of importance. On the contrary, people feel humbled when apologized to. Apologies bring out the gentle person in you.
Give the other party the benefit of the doubt in his opinion especially when you doubt your own opinion as well. Tell him you will think over his ideas.
This is better than being told later, “I told you so but you wouldn’t listen.” This will also give the two of you a chance to evaluate the problem or issue.
When someone takes the time and the effort to engage in a debate or argument with you, it only shows that he is also interested in the same things as you do. That alone is sufficient reason for you to thank him.
(REALLY!)
Healing Your Pain from Criticism
You’ve been hurt bad by people criticizing you.
People criticize you to hurt you.
People criticize you to try to change your opinion.
People criticize you because you feel threatening to them.
People criticize you because you accomplished something they never could.
People criticize you because they are jealous or envious of you.
And this is just the beginning. A great deal of people’s every day communication revolves around criticizing others. It is the nature of many people.
Recognize these facts because if you don’t you will always hurt from the arrows of criticism.
When you are criticized, you, or what you think/believe, are perceived as threatening!
STOP and THINK about this.
Your success or attempted success THREATENS their ego and inadequacies.
You don’t need to fix their poor ability to communicate.
They see you as someone doing something that they think gives you an unfair advantage in life. They see you you as strong in some area that they wish they were. They perceive your mind as far greater than theirs.
They tear you down in their mind so they can fit in their own mental painting of life.
You’re true value in life is determined by how you respond to these perceived threats.
I understand as well as anyone that when someone publicly says something unkind in a book review, for example, that it really hurts. (It can hurt in lots of ways actually.) The truth is that you wrote an 80,000 word book. They wrote a 100 word book review. You are 80 times as giving, 80 times as strong, 80 times as important at the critic.
They only have their criticism.
You have accomplishment, you have opinions that are respected and appreciated and there are many people who wish they were you. They wish they would be respected and appreciated.
And some day, when they stop criticizing you and start acknowledging you and the others in their world…they will become valuable as well. But until then, they won’t change because as silly as it sounds YOU are a threat and that is their mental image.
Kevin Hogan Painful Criticism Reduction Formula – Part 1
It’s funny.
1) The criticisms that are closer to the truth hurt more than those that are absolutely ridiculous.
“Kev you are really a moron.” That will bring a smile. It doesn’t phase.
“Kev, for a smart man you are a jerk.” That is a wasp sting.
2) The other factor that is a big pain generator is the audience. Who ELSE was in the room? Who else will see the review? Did they say this so that everyone could hear it/see it?
“That hair cut looks terrible.” I’m the only one in the room, it hurts but I obviously need the input. It needs to be fixed. There is a much nicer way to phrase that, they chose not too. That is a shame but it’s life.
“That hair cut looks terrible.” I’m on stage and the person said it from the audience. That hurts very bad. That was designed to hurt. It’s a tough one and requires what will follow in a moment.
Criticism obviously has contexts like every other communication.
This understanding helps and is step one. “Are they close to accurate with their assessment?” (BE HONEST WITH YOUR SELF.)
If they are close to accurate. I say to myself, “They could have said it in a kinder way, but whatever, I do look terrible in this suit.”
If they are not close to accurate, I say to myself, “their opinion is simply wrong and I don’t have the time or inclination to argue.”
Accuracy matters. Fix it and it doesn’t come up again.
The audience matters. I will respond, “ohhhhh man, I know.” Then I will put an arrow through my heart, nonverbally to show I understood but it hurt. This action actually helps me prepare to laugh which is for the people at the table, in the living room or in the audience.
There are also BIG criticisms vs. SMALL criticisms.
I’m like anyone else where a big criticism can hurt really bad. That will require fixing something if the criticism is correct and literally correcting the person on the spot. “Deliver that message like this…” and then fill in the blank.
We’ll talk more criticism pain repair next time. For now, utilize these aspects and master them. The pain will begin to reduce and your own awareness of what is true and what is not true will become more important so you can see it as having had SOME value and thus less judgment of the other person.
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