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Forging Empathic Relationships with The Psychology of Persuasion
Zig Ziglar, one of the world’s great motivational speakers once said, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”
I agree. People generally don’t simply listen to people who are smart or have a breadth of knowledge in a specific area. People listen when they know how that you care.
Having asked many people about what makes a person interesting and listenable, I have gathered that this point is not understood by most.
There is a common misunderstanding about what “caring” means. Most people define caring, in part as being unconditionally accepted by another person.
People will not truly listen to us until we show them how much we care.
You and I have our work cut out!
Think about it.
When someone looks in the mirror they see themselves and they are often fascinated. Sometimes people stand in front of a mirror for 30 minutes getting ready for the day. They take themselves from looking OK to looking good. Sometimes this process requires more than 30 minutes.
Quite often people admire what they see in the mirror.
If people admire what they see in the mirror then mirror neurons are being activated that are wiring into connections in the brain that generate positive feelings of some kind.
Critical Question for The Influencer:
When they look at YOU, do they see the SAME ADMIRATION as they get from the face in the mirror?
See how that works?
Now, ask yourself this question:
How can you show people that you are accepting of and care about them?
As you listen to other people talk, learn to see things from their point of view. If you were in their shoes how would you think? You don’t have to agree with people to accept them as a person.
You can UNDERSTAND & respect their opinions and completely disagree with them. You can show empathy without having to agree or compromising your beliefs or integrity. “You know, if I had been through what you have, I would think the exact same thing.”
There is one tool that triggers specific states and when used effectively eliminates all resistance to you and your message.
What is Magic Tool?
Questions that Influence
Questions are the Ultimate Magic Tool
The Mindset of the Influencer while asking questions is the subject of revelation in The Success Capsule, our newest course here at kevinhogan.com.
In one sentence, you are acting in the spirit of gentle discovery for the purpose of understanding & appreciation, and removing resistance.
There are many reasons to ask questions in any important communication. The most potent reasons are to eliminate reactance and resistance, build a connection, and uncover a thread of identification between two people. Next week, I’ve created a video to share with you some cool ways to do this.
This week I want to give you a simple, easy to remember way to ask the right questions. This is not as elegant or artistic and certainly not as powerful as questions designed to find the threads of identification.
What this does is introduce you to a method I developed when I began writing The Psychology of Persuasion. The strength in this approach to asking questions is it’s simplicity. before you become a Connection Artist with questions.
Generally these questions are best utilized after a connection has been established between you and the other person. But conceptually they can be effective most of the time in most contexts. Used effectively, you can learn a great deal about exactly what and how people think. That means you can then choose to influence if you wish.
Have you ever noticed that you feel better when someone leaves a window or a door open?
Have you noticed you feel more comfortable when you are facing a window or a door?
Not Feng Something. Your Ancient Brain always has an escape route at the ready. It’s not “planned,” it’s simply there because they know it leads away from the current unfamiliar location.
Sometimes when you communicate with people you want people to have that feeling. This isn’t always the case, but in the right contexts you 
definitely want people to feel very comfortable.
With your questions, as with the window, you want to allow the other person a sense of safety. Be careful how you ask questions.
Revelation that is not forced can build many bridges.
You aren’t a police officer or an attorney. You don’t work for the I.R.S. You want people to like you. You want people to trust you. You don’t coerce.
Ask questions about the other person’s beliefs and ideas in order to discover how they came to believe what they do.
As you ask questions of other people use an attitude of genuine curiosity, absolute fascination and not one shred of contempt.
There are four stages to The Question Cycle.
The Question Cycle
1. The actual question itself.
2. The response from the other person.
3. Your reaction to their communication both in your mind and theirs.
4. The next question you ask.
You must get each part right to have a successful cycle of communication.
The final element in the cycle is the most important. It can drive greater connection or stop it cold.
Your initial question is not so difficult. It’s all the next questions in a sequence that are challenging.
Examples of Stage 4
You’re not “following up with a question” as in a court case or an investigation. You often want to make it clear you understand a person’s level of awareness about this subject. Perhaps you need to show you understand that they understand this is no easy subject and that you get they’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it.
Placing a judgment in your answer is enormously helpful if it doesn’t sound like you are being condescending.
Condescending?
“That’s right.”
“Good job.”
How does a stage four question sound in real life?
“I’ve never thought of it that way, That’s really cool. How did you come to feel so strongly about X?”
“I don’t think most people ever think about that. They seem to not care. How is it that you figured this out when others didn’t?”
Let’s look a little more closely at the questions.
[I’ve never thought of it that way,]
They know something you don’t. You are now the only person they know who doesn’t know everything. You are unique.
[That’s really cool.] You’ve judged them cool, excellent, smart or something that is very positive. You are rare.
[How did you come to feel so strongly about X?”] You have nothing to say that can “top” what they said. You aren’t trying to one up them. You want to UNDERSTAND and APPRECIATE them. And this shows you do. You are unique and rare and you CARE. From their perspective, you’ve accepted them without negative judgment.
Here’s the second Stage Four Question from above.
[“I don’t think most people ever think about that.] You’ve specifically judged them smarter than everyone else. You’ve noted that they have the capacity to operate under their own power. You’ve noted that most people in the world haven’t had the wisdom to even consider what they have just said. This causes your stock to rise, very, very high.
[They seem to not care.] But YOU care. You don’t like that the rest of the world doesn’t care. You are impressed and appreciative that THIS PERSON cares. This makes you unique and rare.
[How is it that you figured this out when others didn’t?”]
You didn’t say they were right or wrong. You asked how they solved a problems when others haven’t. Once again this makes you rare or perhaps unique.
You are discovering what a person is wanting/willing to reveal to YOU about themselves that matters. And then YOU are giving them a very rare experience of listening and the only judgment they receive is positive.
Granted this is not the easiest use of questions to master. Let’s take a look at a simple template that I wrote about in The Psychology of Persuasion that with just a little touch of flair can be brilliant.
Ready to be brilliant?
Question Template that Influences
Discover what a person is wanting/willing to reveal about themselves that matters to them.
When in doubt about where to go in a conversation you can almost turn to a person’s values about something or some aspect of life. You can discover what is most important to them in life; family, business, their work, raising kids, health, food choices, and so on.
There is a great ambiguity that can occur when people speak about the things that matter to them. This is generally because of the context of the conversation and the limits of their relationship with you.
Discover how they know when they have know when they have what they want in life (a car, a girlfriend, a job) so you can be not only a better communicator but develop a better relationship.
Obviously if you ask someone what is most important in life or a job or a girl, they aren’t going to tell you what their reptilian brain has long since determined. Reptiles don’t speak or have answers.
They are going to say something typically “Conscious Mind.” You need to know a person on all three levels (Thinking, Emotion, Reactive) if you really are going to understand them.
To discover what matters to people, at least at the level of thoughts which they are willing to reveal to you, you can ask one or more of a few key questions and their logical follow through questions.
What is most important to you in life?”
What’s most important to you in a relationship?” (For example)
What’s most important to you in a friend?”
Certainly you don’t ask the question in that robotic mode. You contextualize your conversation.
An Elegant Question Based Conversation
Kevin: So, Kayla, what really does matter to you in life?
Kayla: I want to be happy.
Kevin: That’s really cool. So how do you know when you aren’t happy? What is happening in life that might cause you to be unhappy?
Kayla: I guess when I’m around people who are energy vampires that really suck the life out of you, that can stop me from being happy. So does going to work every day.
Kevin: Some of those vampires at work?
Kayla: Yeah, it’s a Zombie Factory.
Kevin: I think I’ve been to a place like that. What is worst about it?
Kayla: People are just out to stab people in the back and be bitchy.
Find out what all of this means to the person! Having asked these kinds of questions to thousands of people I have discovered a most interesting fact.
Most people will not open the window on the most important things to them until you’ve asked them about the things they don’t like. And then they tend to only test you in reference to what matters to them in a positive way, once you’ve asked twice or three times, in different ways. People tend to be very protective of what they hold dear to them, especially their values and beliefs.
Always ask a “follow up question” in a way that will allow the other person to feel comfortable.
What else is important to you in gaining new customers?” “What else?”
“What else is important to you in new customers?” “What else?”
And obviously in between all of the discovery experience is a five minute discussion of intermediary things they don’t like or don’t want, precisely as was happening with Kayla.
It is MUCH EASIER for people to isolate and communicate about what they do NOT want in life, friends, a job, a career, love, sex than it is to communicate about what they DO want.
Fortunately, these aspects of life are all more powerful as a form of connection than are the “likes” of life.
You’ve directed their thinking, their images, their feelings in an elegant and wonderful way. Now you can complete the process. Check it out…
