Fact One: You are a True, Proven, Real Life Winner. No B.S.
Fact Two: You are a True, Proven, Real Life Loser. No B.S.
Fact Three: You can Change both … or neither of the above.
- Today you will find out why men sext images of themselves to women who couldn’t care less and why those little 1-second actions often destroy those men’s careers while women who do the same thing often become the beneficiary of millions.
- You find out why, at times, you find yourself cringing at what has just come out of your own mouth!
- You will find out why, at times, you allow people to be bored to tears with your conversation.
- You find out how the goals of YOU, YOUR Nonconscious and YOUR Friends drive all of these behaviors.
- If you think this is going to be a short sound byte article written for dummies, forget it. I’ll send you a URL for learning A, B, C’s. This is the real thing…
Take 15 minutes and go, “Now I get it ……. Wow!”
When you first meet someone, you are, for the most part, consciously thinking about everything you say.
Shoot, I’m often non-threatening … you know … until I’ve talked with them a couple of times … or at least a few minutes into an initial conversation. OK … I confess I’m a bad example of this … everyone is “fair game” with me. But MOST normal people think before they speak when they first meet someone.
“Would you like some coffee?”
(They should LOVE Coffee with Kevin …!)
“Oh, that is so cool you work for the government, what are your future plans?”
But once you get to know someone, your nonconscious can take over communication.
VS. The Nonconscious Response
“Yeah, good luck with that project.”
“Just keep telling yourself that.”
“You goof … how stupid are you?”
“You think you’re good lookin? You look in the mirror much?”
You look back and think why would YOU have said that …
What WERE YOU thinking?
The answer: You weren’t.
And you aren’t (necessarily) at fault.
Your Nonconscious Mind literally runs your show most of the time.
Differences between the sexes? What about “sexting”? …
Men and Women in Conversation
When you talk with women about other women, in a deserted room with no listening devices planted, you usually hear something like this:
Women tend to backbite their friends, gossip when they feel superior or the need to lower someone to make themselves feel better.
Meanwhile, ask men about similar issues/”gossip?”
Men don’t really talk about other men in the way women talk about women. Men tend to be short, sweet and to the point:
“Oh he’s an idiot…let’s watch football.”
Discussion about someone’s love life, interests in eternal life, the sex life, the other person’s kids…is rare.
Women will often rip apart their friend(ships) at a moment’s notice, without further thought to the future value of the relationship.
Ah…so I’m saying men are so much better?
No…broadly speaking, men don’t rip apart their friendships at half the speed women do. Men have their own specialization of sabotage…
The Male Self Sabotage
In order to understand how men screw up, take one step back.
If you figure half of women are in the top 50% of women as far as beauty and you realize that about 40% of women have sent a photo of themselves to someone else that would have an “R” rating on it, no one is going to complain.
No guy says, “That’s disgusting, vile.” They simply say “she’s hot.” And so do a lot of other women.
But because of culture, there are no “R” rated pictures of men…they are either “PG” or “X” and men therefore will blow themselves up.
Men think like this: They want to see the photo of THAT girl on their cell phone so they send HER a PHOTO of themselves; they think she’d like to see a photo in the same state of undress…generally the “X” dude, and now his life…is literally in her hands.
Men don’t need other men to blow themselves up.
They do it to themselves.
Can you think of all the women who have harmed their careers because of sexting?
And women Sext waaaay more often than men ever will (like Jessica Alba and Kat Dennings). But what guy is going to complain?
Men just don’t get that when it comes to themselves, there are different cultural rules for the genders. They don’t get that there are different interpretations…but ask the guy if the action would be OK for his buddy and he’d tell his buddy, “Don’t be a moron.”
For the moment, in the world of “Social Media,” “Sexting” and “Candid Camera” at every turn…men will continue to jump off the building. Women do the same thing, no harm comes, and I suspect it never will.
Deep down, men aren’t THAT stupid.
They come to realize that if they sexted to someone they were attracted to…well…that person now has evidence for that person’s burial. Men realize that right AFTER they hit “Send.”
Men tend to not sabotage other men as women sabotage other women. They are better at Self Nuclear Implosion.
With the necessary backdrop in place, let’s return to the conscious and nonconscious part of the brain and what triggers sabotage….self and other.
OK to be “Selfish”? …
Why is it that YOU are SO careful when first meeting a future friend or partner, then later you feel comfortable poking fun at them?
You are a naturally competitive creature. You have to be. You’ve evolved to be PRECISELY competitive.
The sperm that cracked the egg is YOU. The other billion lost the race. YOU got the prize and you have competed against life, the weather, opponents, the law and everything else to get to today.
When people tell me they aren’t competitive, I smile inside…
It’s not possible, at least in contexts that are important to them.
You want your friends to succeed…but do you really want them to succeed as MUCH as you do?
I “guide” an Inner Circle of successful people. It’s in my best interest to help people succeed to a degree greater than I have. I’m constantly thinking, DO IT, GET IT IN GEAR. DO NOT WIMP OUT. MAKE IT HAPPEN.
But what if the relationship was different? What if I wasn’t mentoring, coaching, or consulting. What if I was simply a good friend? Would I be as excited for their million dollar deal?
Truth be told?
I don’t know…but I doubt it. Or I’d be happy for them but wish I’d have done the same thing? I don’t factually know…but human nature says, it’s OK for you to make a lot of money and be successful as long as it’s less than me.
In general, it’s pretty fair to say that people want other people to be almost as well off as they are themselves.
Are there saints who wish you well?
Yes, but I bet you induced that altruism, didn’t you?
KEY POINT: If you’re up for a promotion at work, along with a friend/coworker, even if you like them and wish them the best, you are programmed to be a goal-oriented individual.
KEY POINT: You’re programmed for survival of the fittest. Even if you are not consciously aware of your actions, you will still actively pursue being the best or most comfortable and free from danger.
Everything you do is towards your goals.
When people think about goals, they think of things they want, places they want to go, things they want to do, people they want to be with.
Yes, those are goals. Those are also a very tiny percentage of the goals you have.
Can you have goals you’re not even aware of? Certainly, and you DO…
Nonconscious Goals – the Goals You Never Heard Of
The vast majority of your goals are not even considered…thought of…pondered…you aren’t conscious of them. They are the guidance system of your nonconscious brain and they make you tick. They move you over here and then over there.
The fact is you have no real idea what the goals of your nonconscious self are. For that, you’d have to log behavioral actions all day long to see what you actually do vs. what you THINK you should be doing or WISH you could have.
Both conscious and nonconscious goals color how you perceive and interact with the world.
KEY POINT: Goal directed behavior, conscious or non, tends to be selfish.
And Selfish is NOT a bad word. Just as you are competitive by nature, you are selfish by nature and if you weren’t, you’d have been dead long ago.
Evolutionary psychology tells you that you are (almost) always looking out for number one.
You’d be a terrible friend, parent, lover, boss, salesperson, investor, if you weren’t.
Every move you make in life is acting toward one ultimate goal: to pass on our genes.
Genes don’t have brains. They are preprogrammed code. They direct your behavior. They move you in directions to perform actions that will cause you and your line to survive. But they don’t think.
They don’t think, “ah she can’t have a baby, pick a different woman to mate with bub.”
They don’t think, “you’re gay so you need to mate with someone of the opposite sex.”
No, no, no.
It’s code. It’s not thought. It’s code.
Here’s what CODE means:
Turn the car on, tie a brick to the accelerator.
(Get out of the way.)
It’s moving forward.
That’s one line of code in your genes….and there are a lot more “lines.” (Later)
That sperm had the accelerator to the metal and beat a billion buddies to the egg. It’s in the code and the fittest one wins and the rest lose. Period.
So you will naturally do things to fulfill your needs, as well as your kin’s. You look for fertility in mates and you protect your children.
I Scratch Your Back
When you act for other people, you usually expect something in return, or to feel better about the extent of our own altruistic tendencies. Keep this in mind when you receive a favor. Even though your coworker or friend may not consciously ‘want’ something in return, they may unconsciously ‘expect’ something later.
Rule: When someone is nice to you, reciprocate. I didn’t call it the “principle” of reciprocity. That was Cialdini. His point was, it generally is effective in inducing reciprocity. My point in the Law of Reciprocity was that it is compelling to complete the cycle and is generally destructive to the relationship if it is not completed.
People will tell you they don’t keep score.
That’s not true. If their conscious mind doesn’t, their nonconscious mind does. I promise.
Relationships cause some turmoil for goal fulfillment…
Partners and Outcomes
Your desired outcomes are constantly influenced by the people you surround your Self with. When friends or partners have similar goals, both are raising children, both losing weight, they often actively facilitate each other’s performance in relation to these goals.
This pursuit could be through active behaviors together, feeling closer to each other, or having a greater sense of understanding for the other person. This lessens conflict and reinforces pleasant interactions.
Partners with similar outcomes are also more likely to have similar interests, which is a predictor for happy relationships. However, when friends or partners have dissimilar goals, each party may serve as a barrier to the other’s achievement.
Partners who are less like each other tend to have goals that are not compatible, increasing the likelihood that one’s goals will impede the other’s. When they do not have respect for each other’s goals, they may be less efficient both in their goals and in their relationship.
Dissimilar goals predict conflict and avoidance in relationships. Though friends or romantic partners may not have similar goals at first, they may develop similar goals later in a relationship. Religion, values, desire for children, and ambition are examples of potential conflicting goals. Keep this in mind when looking for or choosing a mate.
Already have one?
Be aware of the differences of your long-term goals.
Instead of avoiding communication or confrontation about particular issues, talking with them about how you can make your goals more compatible with each other will typically work wonders.
But…it’s not all paradise in the “we’ll make it together department.”
When you believe someone close to you is trying to control you or push a goal onto you, you tend to rebel against their desires and pick a goal inconsistent with those expectations.
I’ve experienced this in many ways.
In retrospect, it’s all easy to see.
Because I really do care about friends and family, I really hit hard on my admonition to buy Gold back in 2006/2007/2008/2009. To my irritation, a number of these people who were/are close to me simply ignored my direction and bought real estate, a house for themselves or used a Financial Planner (which is precisely the kind of stuff I warned could get them in trouble (if the advisors were “traditional” in approach).
Now this is not everyone. Every day I get email from people who bought as much gold as they could get their hands on and they made a ton of money in the last 5 years. Nothing makes me happier. Gold has tripled in value (and then some) while everyone else in the world lost their nest eggs.
So why did this happen?
Obviously there were competing brains at work in the Selves of some friends and family!
Consciously or not, they didn’t listen to someone who lives and breathes the psychology of human interactions and economics. And then, of course….they aren’t angry at themselves right? Guess who?
What is the ONE thing humans rebel against consistently? …
Give me Freedom….
Humans do not like to be or feel constrained by others.
You enjoy your independence and freedom. However if you believe someone wants the best for you, you often conform to their wishes and react as they would want you to in a situation, as long as it benefits you in the process.
If you have a secure relationship with your romantic partner, you are more likely to pursue goals that will please the partner or impress them.
KEY POINT: These goals can be actively pursued unconsciously, primed by the mere thought of your partner. ALWAYS be aware of how the people closest to you impact your behavior.
KEY POINT: Once you react to a situation in a certain way, this way of reacting becomes easier to retrieve unconsciously in memory when you are in this situation again.
When a smoker experiences stress, they automatically feel like reaching for a cigarette.
When a child irritates a mother, she may instantly cry, “just…go to your room!”
When a partner feels insulted, they may have developed the urge to hammer on their partner, regardless of intent.
When a coworker gets an award for their performance and you don’t, you suddenly feel the competitive need to one up or downgrade them, even though they deserved the recognition.
QUESTION: Do you notice repetition in any of your behaviors around certain people?
Any social allergies (irritations) to anyone’s bad habits?
Do you ever react in ways you find yourself questioning later?
If you can replace the actions you dislike with other behaviors, you will soon be able to rewire your brain into how you want to act in these situations. Of course, you may have the occasional Freudian slip, but these can be unavoidable.
A Secret to Re-wiring Your Brain…
Chris Janizewski and Juiano Laran did an interesting study that gives insight about self control.
They had participants perform a task, with a bowl of truffles next to them. They were either told they could have no truffles, one truffle, or any amount they would like. After the task, they were given the choice of a granola bar (healthy choice) or a cookie (unhealthy choice) on the way out.
They found that once you give in to one little desire, you are more likely to continue and indulge even more. People that had one truffle could not resist more pleasure. 61% of subjects chose to continue their pleasure and have a cookie.
However, if people were allowed to have their fill of truffles, then they chose the granola bar. A whopping 71% of these participants chose the granola bar.
KEY POINT: This shows you that once you reach a goal, you turn it off to pursue another.
KEY POINT: Once you lose that 20 pounds, you stop, and then go after another goal, like eating more!
You pursue one goal consciously at a time. When working toward one goal, you block out information regarding other goals.
Too often, individuals pursuing a goal will make progress towards it, then stop pursuing the goal, justifying that sufficient progress was made. Typically you think one way, but act in others.
This is one reason why people are never very good at identifying their partner’s preferences for things.
People that restrained themselves with the truffles continued to make healthy decisions, until they were PRAISED for eating healthy.
Boom, OFF switch.
Healthy goal fulfilled, pleasure goal activated!
Therefore: Know your weaknesses. Self-discipline takes time to grow. Unless that one truffle is being seen as the big reward, people are bound to eat more truffles. Self-monitor your progress toward your goals.
ALWAYS be aware of your own “goal light switch.”
DETERMINE WHEN doing what FEELS LIKE “enough” is really insignificant. AND GET BACK ON TARGET.
Reserve your spot now!
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