Overcoming Hostility, Criticism and Contempt in Your Relationships

Quick Definitions then getting the answers YOU want and NEED.

Criticism: Attacking someone’s personality or character, usually with blame, instead of IDENTIFYING a specific behavior.

Hostility: To be antagonistic toward someone as if they are an enemy.

Contempt: Disapproval tinged with disgust. Communication that is intended to insult or show disdain for another who is considered vile or worthless.

Contempt and hostility are fueled by thoughts of the other person’s incompetence or disgust. They are disgusting. You think they are stupid. How do you show this? And how are YOU the victim when it happens to you?

 

1. Labeling

   “You’re a jerk.”
   “You’re a b_tch.”
   “You’re a b_stard.”
   “You’re an idiot.”
   “You’re a fool.”
   “You’re stupid.”
   “You are incompetent.”

   

2. Nonverbally

   Roll your eyes when they say something.
   Sigh heavily while they are communicating something to you.
   Turn your back on them while they are talking.
   Walk away from them while they are talking.

    

3. Covert Insults and Humiliations Designed to Cause Real Pain In Others

   “Even Andy could get that one right.”
   “If you really loved me, you’d lift a finger to help around the house.”
   “You don’t even care about your kids.”
   “You were never there when we really needed you.”
   “Any kindergartner could figure that out, you moron.”
   “You have serious psychological problems.”

    

Contempt Breeds Contempt

It’s true that contempt breeds contempt. Remember the last time you were involved in one of these?

“What the hell are you doing?”
“You told me to clean my room!”
“I told you to get the living room cleaned up because we have company coming, THEN to clean your room.”
“What’s the difference Mom, no one is coming for TWO hours?” 
“That’s it. You have no respect. You are grounded.”
He looks at her in disbelief. Sits on his bed. Stares at her.
“What are you looking at?”
“Nothing. You’re crazy.”
“You will not speak to your Mother that way. You are grounded for one month! Now get this place clean. NOW!”

What happened here?

The son was cleaning his room. He probably should have been cleaning the living room first to prepare for company but he probably didn’t know why he should be cleaning the living room first.

Deep inside, the son felt put out that he had to clean his room and the living room. He didn’t mess up the living room after all. His toddling sister did. He doesn’t even go near the living room.

Deep inside, Mom felt like she was in a pressure cooker. Company coming in two hours and she has four hours of work to do. And this isn’t just any company this is hubby’s new client. A big one. The house has to be perfect. Tonight the pressure is on to make a really positive impression.

This is an example of how most people communicate all day long. Here is the next morning at work…

“Why aren’t you working on the Johnson account?”
“You told me to get the numbers for the Friedman account and the Johnson account updated today.”
“I told you that Johnson is going to be here in TWO hours. Get her account done THEN do the Friedman account. Does any of this make sense to you?”
“Both sets of numbers will be on your desk in the next hour.”
“I want the Johnson numbers NOW.”
“Fine.” (She drops the Friedman file. Grabs the Johnson file and returns to her desk.) “Is there anything else?”
“No. Just get that file to me ASAP.”

Deep inside, the office worker is feeling hurt and angry. She doesn’t feel trusted. She doesn’t feel as if her boss understands her competency level. She is angry that her boss felt it necessary to make a scene over NOTHING in front of the staff. The boss once again made her look bad for no reason. The file would have been done with no problem…and no time delay.

Deep inside, the boss felt that once again people just don’t get it. The top priority item gets second billing. What if there was an emergency or a problem and there wasn’t time to get the Johnson file done? Why don’t people do things in the order that make sense? This woman is as stupid as her son…except he’s 12 and has an excuse. Why does she keep this worker on? Probably because MOST of the time she does a good job, but THIS is just ridiculous.

The office worker goes home. She thinks all the way home that her boss is such a bitch.

“She really thinks I’m an idiot,” she mutters over the steering wheel. I hate her. I am going to quit. I will not put up with this insanity any longer. I can’t handle it. She always is on me. Why doesn’t she just let me work and do my job?

She pulls in the driveway. Husband is home.

“Hope he had a good day,” she says again over the steering wheel. She goes in. They hug, kiss, sit down and say hello for a minute.

“How was your day?”

“Oh, it was O.K. I’m sick of that witch though.”

“Did she say something again?”

“Yes, she was sticking her nose in my business again.”

“You know, next time she does that you should just tell her to leave and let you get your work done.”

“It’s not quite that easy. She is the boss ya’ know.”

“I know that but that doesn’t give her a right to be so overbearing. Tell her that you are good at what you do and that you don’t need her meddling.”

“She’s so in your face, very intimidating…kind of like you honey…now that I think of it…) and I don’t want to push the wrong button and lose my job.”

“Geez’, they can’t fire you for doing your job and saying how you feel. Don’t let her push you around.”

“I’ll take care of it.” (I have no idea how but I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Now I feel incompetent here too!)

“Good, if you don’t let it fester you can have it taken care of tomorrow and never deal with it again.”

“That’s easy to say, you are the supervisor at your office. I’m just a peon.”

“I respect people who speak their mind as long as they are respectful.”

“She doesn’t respect anyone but herself. She is not you.”

“I know. I just hate to see you pushed around.”

“I can handle myself.” (No I can’t. Why do I say things like that?)

“OK honey. Keep me posted.” (I’m not going to make her feel bad by continuing this.)

 

Solutions for Contempt and Hostility

Hostility is attacking someone with the intent to do verbal harm. Some people simply fly off the handle and criticize people. As we talked about earlier, that has to be stopped. Others will complain about behaviors that their partners do. That isn’t so bad in the long run though it isn’t exactly a recipe for happiness. What is among the worst offending sins that is detrimental to the soul is communication with the intent to harm whether in public or private.

If you or your partner are intentionally communicating with the intent to harm you must stop immediately. Hostility is something that no soul should be involved in. There is no benefit to hostility for anyone. The desire to harm others through communication is a sign of serious relationship problems that need to be corrected as soon as possible.

If your partner is intentionally communicating with you in a hostile manner you need to gently share this information with him at the first reasonable moment. The partner should be allowed to communicate his feelings about the reason for his hostility and then move to a solution.

The solution is not the silent treatment but increased communication.

However, as you deal with the specific issue of hostility do not bring up all the relationship problems of the past. This only gives cause to do the exact opposite of your goal.

What model of communication would you propose? Propose it. Get agreement if appropriate and start communicating with the intention to make each other feel good about each other. The exercises on the coming pages will help you rebuild a relationship that was on treacherous ground.

Re-Creating Love and Caring in Relationships

Will the relationship end or will love be re-created? If it’s time to start over do so now. The following plan for re-creating your relationship will be of great help. Here’s how:

Design a completely safe environment in which you and your partner may communicate.

If you have been hurting your partner, change your behavior. Changing your emotions will happen later, but change your behavior now! Your partner was hit as a child. If you tend to blow up at your loved one, stop now. They were yelled at as a child. If you get up and leave when you are angry, stop it now. They were abandoned as a child and you’re acting just like the parent.

Think carefully about these examples before moving on to number two. Create an atmosphere where it is safe to talk and communicate. Promise each other that this is a time to listen and not judge, evaluate or point fingers. Create an atmosphere where you can experience positive communication.

Describe three things that you can implement in your marriage today to create a safe environment for yourself and your partner to communicate in.

Stop all criticism immediately!

There is no such thing as constructive criticism to the parts of the unconscious mind that are attempting to finish their childhood!

Create sessions of healing acceptance.

Healing acceptance sessions occur when you and your partner sit down and talk just as if you had been hit by a car in an accident. You want to find out if the other person is all right and see what you can do for them. You need to tell your partner that you want him to acknowledge what you are about to tell him without rebuttal or explanation on his part. No defensiveness is necessary. You are simply telling him that you are wounded and that it hurts. You will not blame him. You will use statements like, “I feel…” and “I hurt…” He should say, “I understand,” and “What else do you want to tell me?” “Go on.” “OK.” Those four statements and questions are the sum of what the non-injured partner will say.

It is vitally important to never attack your partner during these “healing acceptance” sessions. Keep it open and loving and then your relationship will be on it’s way forward!

Perform random acts of kindness for your partner.

Bring a card or gift home after work. A small and inexpensive gift shows your thoughtfulness and can do wonders for your relationship in a big way. Notice the key word is “random”. It means unpredictable. Be unpredictable with your times of giving.

Do something that you normally don’t do around the house. If you never do the dishes, do them one night. If you never cut the lawn, cut it. The unexpected can be very pleasant and very appreciated.

Return to a successful dating ritual you liked.

Was there something special you did while you were dating? Do it now.

Express your love and feelings for your partner with hugs, kisses and verbal affirmations of love, often.

Most people need to be hugged and kissed. Leo Buscaglia used to prescribe at least a dozen hugs per day for the maintenance of a relationship. Saying, “I love you,” may get old after 30,000 recitations but you never hear of anyone complaining that their partner tells them that they love them too often!

Discover their needs and wants while sharing yours.

For you to have a wonderful relationship discover what your partner currently loves about your relationship. Then ask your partner what he thinks could improve your relationship. Ask your partner the questions below, in the Successful Relationship Elicitation exercise. (Don’t do this all in one sitting!)

This exercise will help you discover what is important to your partner and will help you transform your relationship.

Successful Relationship Elicitation

The following questions are to be used as discovery tools for you and your partner to learn more about each other and deepen your bond. Use these questions as tools to gently start to help you and your partner “peel each other’s onions.” The first questions will help you and your partner build resources for which you can refer to in tough times. Later questions help discover weaknesses and areas that can use change or improvement. Spend about 20 minutes for each partner with these questions, over several days.

 

• What is the best thing about our relationship?
• What is the next best thing about our relationship?
• What else?
• What do you believe you should learn about me to improve our relationship?
• What do you think I should learn about you to improve our relationship?
• What are two things I do that annoy you?
• What are two things you do, that you think annoy me?
• How happy are you with our sex life?
• What can I do to make our sex life more intoxicating?
• What would you be willing to do to make our sex life more intoxicating?
• When we argue from now on, should we agree to kiss and make up before the argument gets out of hand?
• What will our “cue” be for this to happen?
• What do you do around the house that you think I don’t appreciate?
• What do you do at work that you think I don’t appreciate?
• What do I do that you probably don’t appreciate as much as you could?
• What do you want to know about my past that I haven’t told you?
• What do you want me to know about your past that you haven’t told me?
• When should I be jealous?
• When do you think you should be jealous?
• How can we go from having a good relationship to having a fantastic relationship?

All of these questions allow us to discover more about our partner in a couple of hours than we may have discovered in years. Questions are an under-used element of communication in our culture. Beginning to ask gentle questions will put you on the track to improving communication and thereby improving your relationship no matter how good or bad it already is.

Learning what is important to your partner and being certain your partner understands what you need and want makes having a good relationship much easier. You take the guess work out of knowing what helps the other person feel more at ease with you.

My favorite place for people to begin in identifying hostility, contempt, criticism before it is verbalized is of course by observing and decoding the body language of others. This might be a good place for you to begin valuable study.

 

“Read & Interpret Body Language Like The Body Language Expert”

Read Body Language with the Expert who Shares Presidential Election Info and Hard-To-Decode Celebrities!

From: Kevin Hogan, Psy.D., Body Language Expert

 

Reading body language gives you insights into whether or not someone is telling the truth? True or False?

Would you like to know whether someone likes you or not, even before they say a word?

Would you like to know why Donald Trump will be the Republican Nominee for President? It’s ONLY because of what you read in his nonverbal communication.

Are you curious why Hillary Clinton will gain the Democratic nomination for President even though her persona compares negatively to Bernie Sanders?

 

Do you want to know anyone’s thoughts and feelings by capturing their body language?

Do you want to subsconsciously influence anyone… without even saying a single word?

If you answered “yes” to any of the questions above, then this could be the most crucial message you’ll ever read in your life. Here’s why.

In just a few minutes from now, you could have the unique ability to easily read and interpret body language cues of anyone.

This means you could almost instantly know if they’re being honest or deceitful… if they like you or not… or whatever they might be thinking or feeling at the moment – simply by observing their actions and movements! Amazing, isn’t it?

But that’s not all…

Since nonverbal communication makes up between 60 to 75% of the impact of a message, you could subtly use body language to become tremendously successful… in your career, business, relationships, love life, and anything else that involves interacting or communicating with people.

If understanding nonverbal communication sounds unbelievable, let me assure you that it is based on sound scientific research and studies. It has been tested and proven to work; nothing is left to chance.

In this webpage, you’ll discover some useful facts and techniques about reading body language that you can start applying immediately to your own situations. I’ll also share with you – for free – my analysis of famous politicians and celebrities, using photographs the media has asked me to analyze.

So please make sure you read every word of this letter, because the secrets that can catapult you to the top of the success ladder is written here. I believe you’ll find the information in this webpage very helpful and applicable to many aspects of your life.

 

Why It’s Critical to Know What They are Thinking

What people say could often be very different from what they’re thinking or feeling. It’s very easy to say something untrue or insincere, so we can never rely on words alone.

Fortunately, there’s a proven way to accurately see people’s thoughts, emotions or mood – and that’s by reading their body language. People may lie, but their body silently and unconsciously speaks the truth.

Having the right knowledge in body language allows you to uncover what your friends, co-workers, spouse, customers or anyone else, may be hiding from you. You might even understand other people’s thoughts or feelings better than they do!

Let’s face it. Even if you trust someone with your life, you’ll never have peace of mind unless you know exactly what they’re feeling or thinking inside.

The most effective way to uncover hidden desires, thoughts, or emotions is by reading and interpreting hidden messages correctly.

And guess what?

Your own signals can also influence what other people may think or feel about you. If you do it right, you will be liked and trusted. But if you send the wrong signals (even if you’re unaware of it) – your business, career, relationships, and even self-esteem may suffer.

For example, if you have a habit of touching your nose, people could perceive that as a sign of deception. You might simply have that habit even if you’re telling the truth, but people can’t tell the difference. They are unconsciously interpreting your gesture as untrustworthy and judging you based on your actions.

Why go through the trouble of being misinterpreted when you can avoid it? Understanding the meaning and uses of specific body gestures will allow you to change your approach and act only in ways that will result in maximum compliance.

Just imagine how much sales you’re losing if your body language communicates mistrust or offends your clients… without you being aware of it! But if you know how to use nonverbals, you will be able to avoid sales pitfalls and convey signals that make your customers say “yes!”

Nonverbal communication is not only applicable in sales or business. You could also miss out on that important date or job opportunity… only because your body language is unconsciously sending negative signals. You don’t want that to happen, right?

That’s why if you want to skyrocket your sales… if you want to have a successful business or career… if you want to be successful in dating, your social life or relationships… as long as you communicate and interact with people regularly, then learning nonverbal communication is a key component of your daily activities.

By the way, I understand that sometimes you might be feeling down. But that doesn’t mean other people should know, especially if your present mood could ruin a lifelong career or relationship. By knowing and using the right body language, you could purposely act in ways that will be appropriate to the circumstances.

Did you know? Men and women behave and respond to movements in different ways. So it’s crucial for you to suit your nonverbal communication depending on the gender of the person you meet, or you could damage a relationship or business without even knowing it.

If you think having this ability is mind blowing, you haven’t scratched the surface yet. When you recognize the true meaning of people’s gestures and movements (which could often be very different from what they say), your life changes in a lot of positive ways.

 

How Can Nonverbal Communication Greatly Enhance Your Life?

Having the ability to decode body language can have astonishing effects in almost every aspect of your life. By correctly seeing nonverbal communication and using the right gestures, you’ll be able to:

• Save a lot of time by dealing only with the people you like or trust. You’ll quickly know the mood or personality of anyone… before they even say anything!

• Become a human lie detector. Almost anyone tells lies at one point or another, so it’s crucial for you to detect deception. Even people very close to us like our spouse, friends, or kids can sometimes lie… whether it’s a white lie or something that could hurt us. If you never wanted to be cheated or tricked again, then this is the solution.

• Find and date with someone who has the qualities you like. Know beforehand if your date is attracted to you or likes you, and then use the right attraction techniques to impress and captivate them!

• Boost your career and relationships. Now you can make your boss, co-employees, and even strangers to like you through subtle movements. You’ll be astonished at how easy it is to get a raise or promotion.

• Multiply your sales and sell to prospects who have the highest chances of buying from you. Detect in advance if you can negotiate a better price on a deal, and raise your chances of winning negotiations.

• Boost your self-confidence and be in control of any situation whenever you’re interacting with people. Connect with total strangers and get people to cooperate with you… in no time flat!

• Make a dazzling first impression, and instantly get liked or trusted on your first meeting.

• Be a master communicator. Most of the time, words are not enough. Your communication will be much more effective and understood almost immediately.

• Ace the job interview. Know how to properly express the ambience of confidence and competence, and get a keen sense of how the interviewer is evaluating you.

• Avoid the costly hassles of hiring the wrong people. If you’re the interviewer, you’d easily spot the most capable applicant for any job!

• Read people’s minds and emotions. With this ability, you can do things which are only favorable to the situation and avoid any problems that may occur. You may even impress your friends with your mind-reading abilities!

• Establish authority, liking, trust or respect using simple gestures.

• Become an outstanding speaker. You’ll know when the audience is interested or bored, so you can adjust your speech to their present state. You could more easily persuade and inspire them if you combine your speech with the right gestures.

 

Are You Making These Mistakes?

Studies indicate you have realistically closer to 4 seconds to make a good first impression on those you come in contact with. And this is used as a yardstick for all future communication by those whom you meet.

In the first four seconds, people will make judgments about you and tell themselves:

• I will (or will not) buy from this person.
• I will (or will not) like this person.
• I find this person kind (or not).
• I find this person intelligent (or not).

You can’t make a good first impression through your words alone. In fact, nonverbal communication is between 60 to 75% of the impact of a communication. But despite being the most important aspect, nonverbal communication is also the most misunderstood and misinterpreted.

Every action – or even the smallest micro-action – communicates subconsciously to others, so people could like (or not like) you through your gestures… without even knowing exactly why.

You could be making the most wonderful compliments or praise to people, but it’s difficult to gain their trust or approval if your words contradict your nonverbals.

These body language photos will show you some of the basic and advanced techniques used to interpret nonverbal communication. This girl is flirting with you. “But her arms are crossed, that’s defensive,” some might say. They are wrong. Head tilt to her left, hard time not grinning too big, while looking right at you. She likes you.

Flirting and sexual body language is something you can quickly spot in a woman’s nonverbal communication in both business and personal contexts.

Revealing the liar is easily identified in both business and personal context when you know how to properly interpret the signs. I’ll show you this later.

Whether you want to learn the real nonverbal secrets of love, dating or closing the deal, welcome! The analysis I’m going to give you as part of this preview includes both “liking” and deception judgments. It is fairly complex to analyze human behavior in snapshots in time.

See this guy. By looking at him, that smirk should mean he’s being perceived poorly and he’s fighting for his life. But no, check out the over the shoulder look of the first girl. Women inspect over their shoulders with curiosity…until that split second where liking or not occurs. These two will connect…..BELOW…I made judgments on the relationships of the couples based solely upon these photographs and the context in which they were taken. (This is as little as you have to go on with most media. It IS a challenge.)

In this preview, my goal for you is to become aware of a few subtle cues that you are going to begin picking up from now on. Instead of telling you each little signal in a boring, clinical way, I’m going to let you have some fun and invest just a few minutes with me.

If you look closely, you will learn a great deal today about the nuances of nonverbal communication. 
Photos appear under license agreement with PRPhotos.

 

What Can You Interpret About a Person’s
Nonverbal Secrets From a Photograph?

 

About Kevin Hogan

Author of The Psychology of Persuasion, Irresistible Attraction, and The Science of Influence, Dr. Kevin Hogan is trusted by organizations both large and small to help them understand human dynamics, body language, persuasion, and how to influence. Kevin is an internationally known keynote speaker and corporate educator based in Minneapolis Minnesota. Have Kevin speak at your next event.