The two women below looked mighty happy a few years ago. Look at them. Smiling. Relaxed. Both were in relationships that made you envious.
This is a two part story of a husband and wife considering the Big D.
The husband had decided to “kick the wife out,” until his irritatingly logical friend came for a visit and elicited all the facts of the situation…causing a different decision to take place.
But his decision isn’t the only one that matters.
A lot of women relish the defective disaster their buddies experience. A lot of other women like to be helpful in times of friends crisis. They do what they can to help fix the disasters that all friends get themselves into.
The husband, who had been instant on splitting up changed his mind with a little help from his friend. You’ll peek in on that conversation next week. He had decided to split and now he has made the decision to “create a better relationship.” How did he decide? With the help of his friend they framed the decision differently than the man had.
What are the steps for framing a new decision, when a decision has already been made.
First: Identify the decision that has been made, with its criteria.
(“She raises her voice and gets crazy once more, she’s out of here.”)
Second: Step Back…Way Back, from the Current Frame.
(You need to see the entire picture of the husband, wife, family, kids, relationship, finances and future. You aren’t looking at pixels making up the lower left hand corner of a big movie screen, but the entire picture with scope and magnitude.)
Third: You identify each of the real criteria that have to be weighed if a decision is to be made.
Fourth: Before teasing out what is most important in making the decision, simply list ALL the factors and don’t get hung up on ANYTHING good or bad or how important it is. Just pros and cons. Once you’ve written it down, MOVE ON.
Fifth: Move away from any emotions, positive or negative, while viewing the entire picture. Emotions, positive or negative – skew rational thinking away from smart decisions.
And now to the ladies having lunch.
This week, our story opens up at a friend of the wife’s home. They are sipping tea. (I wonder what kind of tea…)
“He is such a jerk. I can’t believe how he treats me. There is no respect. He sits there on the couch and does nothing while I cook dinner and slave away for him….. I thought slavery was outlawed…I’m so….. angry. I’m going to take the kids and leave him. Get rid of his attitude and everything…forever.”
Her girlfriend nods, obviously understanding the pitfalls of the male species being married to one of the monkeys herself…
Is the friend about to sabotage her GF or is she going to play it smart?
The woman in distress got lucky. Her friend is going to be coldly objective in helping her GF. That’s the only kind of real friend their is.
“OK you are freaking out. I understand. I have been in similar situations with Richard. Here’s what we learned to do with our therapist who said this was the way you make pretty much all decisions in life.
STEP A: Highlight the emotional component of the problem. Get it on the table, first. Write it down.
This is huge and few people ever do it…and continue to screw up their life over and over again…
“What’s he been doing that’s causing you so much pain? Or is it you, the gardener or the kids? I mean he’s a man, but he’s not totally evil.”
“You don’t know the half of it. Every Saturday night I come home from work. I put in a 12-hour shift at the hospital so all I want to do is shower and go to sleep. He wants dinner. He just SITS there and does nothing but work on his stupid computer. It drives me nuts. You’d think he could at least cut up the fruit or shuck the corn or cook the steak or SOMETHING.”
The GF writes down the complaint then realizes an instant problem.
“I thought you told me you didn’t like him in the kitchen when you cook. He just gets in the way.”
“Well, he does. He is so slow. It drives you crazy. He just DOES NOTHING.”
“So you really don’t want him to help shuck the corn or cook the steak. You really want him to stay out of the kitchen. What you are really angry about is that you are whipped and then he wants dinner, maybe he feels entitled. But you aren’t looking for help.”
The Distressed Woman is suspicious. She didn’t realize that she didn’t really want help that this was about something else.
“That’s why we write this stuff down. It helps cut through all the gunk of emotions.
STEP B: For this single piece of the picture, what is being experienced on the opposite side of the coin? (In this case, the husband.)
“And what does he do all day Saturday?”
“He’s home with the kids on Saturday while I work.”
STEP C: Don’t dwell on the opposite side of this factor. Just get it on the table and get back to dealing with the emotion as nothing constructive or rational can occur when someone is flooded with raw emotions.
“And what happens typically?”
“I just boil inside and I usually blow up sometime between walking in the door and seeing him with a nice relaxed smile to watching him eat dinner without so much as a ‘thank you’ for cooking after a 12-hour day. Can you imagine!??!!?”
“Yes….I get the picture. The kids are sitting playing next to him, they’re having fun. That’s got to be irritating to see when you have difficulties with them all week. He smiles at you. He should really what…? I suppose he should give you the evil eye or yell at you or look at you with a blank stare or maybe simply dance over to you at the door and say, “Hello Distressed Woman, how can I help you today?” I’m kidding. Does this kind of relaxed smile with the expectation of dinner happen the rest of the week?”
Sarcasm cuts through gunk. You can’t really use it in your own relationship but with a friend it can help cause a person to realize that they are upset walking in the door and NO MATTER WHAT the response is the person will simply be more upset that there world isn’t perfect.
STEP D: Find out how pervasive (wide) the problem is…How often…how much, etc.
“Sometimes, but it’s almost a ‘sure thing’ on Saturday night.”
“It” is. So I need to write something intelligent down here. You are upset because you worked a 12 hour day and you see that things are calm at home and that everyone is happy and that is really what is upsetting you. That and the fact that after 12 hours you WISH he was a cook like you are but know he isn’t and that you don’t want him in the kitchen. So you have what Dr. G calls an “unresolvable problem.”
“What is an unresolvable problem?”
“It’s where someone expects someone to behave in a certain way. They aren’t going to change and the expectant individual doesn’t want to change their expectation. Just in case I’m wrong, what is it you’d like to experience when you get home on Saturday?”
“Honey, how are you? How was your day?”
“You really want him to ask how you are and how your day was when they both suck?”
“OK, got it.” (She writes it down.) “Does he know that this is what you want?”
“Well no, but he should KNOW BETTER.”
“OK, I’ll make a note that he needs to be smarter.
STEP E: Be certain all emotion is reduced before going into a “rational, intelligent” process of thinking.
By the way, I’m not saying you shouldn’t grab the kids and head for Texas, but before you fly the coop, maybe we think about this for a minute?”
Our Distressed Woman doesn’t say a thing…she’s already thought about it…and for a lot more than a minute.
“Right. OK. So let’s look at how big of a jerk he is.”
Our wife sits at attention. That’s why she is here. Validation!
People don’t want to do what is right, or smart, they simply want to BE RIGHT.
STEP F: State the problem in specifics, isolating just where on the map, the picture is at. Is it the whole map? All the time? 24/7?
“First, he’s a big jerk on Saturday nights because he doesn’t help you with cooking after you’ve had a long day at work. The problem is of course that you don’t want him to help with cooking and that you are really upset that he isn’t asking you how you are and how your day was which might resolve this…and this is also true some other times during the week. You blow up and you get into a fight, which you don’t need any more of. Right?”
“Right. Except sometimes he blows up first and sometimes I do.”
STEP G: Once you have one part of the emotional pie and the facts surrounding that, move to other things related to that emotion. Continue to pull up emotions so you can get to thinking.
“Got it. Now. I understand what you are angry about, but I bet there is more. What else is he a jerk about?”
“Well, on Sunday he’s watching sports and you’d think he owns the TV. There is no sharing. It’s just a given. Sunday is ‘his day’ to watch the big TV and it wouldn’t dawn on him that anyone else might be interested. He just lives in there so it’s his. And this happens during the week, too.”
“OK. You’re doing good. How else is he a jerk?”
“Disrespect! I can’t get anything but sarcasm about what I do. Everything he does is important. Me? It’s just passing time. My stuff doesn’t matter, his does. My life doesn’t matter. His does.”
“You don’t know the half of it.”
“OK, how else is he a jerk?”
“He acts like he knows everything and that I’m a first rate idiot. I make as much money as he does and we both take care of the kids so if I’m an idiot, he’s an idiot….or maybe I’m a bigger idiot because I’m still married to him…”
“Got it. (She writes this down on a piece of paper, next to her other comments.) What else?”
“Isn’t that enough?”
STEP H: Once the facts are in and the emotions are out on the left side, it’s time to work on the right side of the equation.
The “right” side? I thought my side was the right side:
“Sure it is. OK, let’s flip his coin and look at the other side. What is good about you and the kids being with him?”
“Come on. Play with me. He hates the kids? He hates you? ”
“No, of course not. He loves the kids. He’s a good dad, you know that. He loves the kids. They mean everything to him.”
STEP I: When emotions are involved, do NOT try and find counter-emotions whether doing this yourself or with someone else. The process doesn’t need resistance, it needs to represent reality.
“You mean that is good about him? Ugh…he puts the toilet seat down most of the time.”
“Come on…does he love you?”
“Fine. He says he does.”
“Men never say, I love you. How often does he say I love you?”
“Ugh. I don’t know….five times a day.”
“Really? I hear it five times a week….what about doing stuff, do you like to do stuff together ever? Do you go hiking, play games, watch TV, go to church…?”
“It’s hard to do a lot of stuff together because we both have opposite schedules to take care of the kids. We both want to have a parent at home and not someone who could care less…you know that…and so yes, we do stuff. We play games and watch some shows together, go out to eat once a week…stuff like that, nothing fabulous though, like trips to Paris or things like that.”
“What does sex life have to do with arguing?”
“Nothing. It has to do with catching the train to Texas.”
“It’s good. You know that, too.”<p. “once=”” a=”” week?”<p=””> “Four times.”
“Four times? Gene Simmons doesn’t have sex four times a week…wow…OK…so it is painful?”
“No, it’s good.”
“I’m going to be sick. OK, what else?”
STEP J: When you hit resistance because the bias is now being matched by the “other side of the coin,” stick to it.
“More?! Why more? He’s been a jerk and we’re sitting here talking about his good points. My god, who cares what his good points are. I mean he can be so crass and rude. He shows no respect. He is arrogant, histrionic and a narcissist.”
“While you’re having sex, when he’s at work or when he’s taking care of the kids and you come home to see his relaxed smile, or when you’re playing games?”
“Who’s side are you on, anyway?”
“I’m on your side. I just want you to be as happy as you can be.”
“I’d be a lot happier if I were on a plane to…to….Paris.”
“You and the kids in coach for 16 hours. Sounds fun. OK what’s the best thing about him in your relationship? One thing that you haven’t said.”
“You don’t give up…OK…he buys flowers and cards and things like that on days when there’s nothing special going on.”
“No one does that in 2013.”
“Oh my god, you are on his side.”
STEP K: When resistance to the decision-making process becomes too great, immediately switch back to the biased side. Suggest possible facts.
“OK, let’s go back to the jerk side.”
“Hello. Thank you. It’s about time.”
“Does he beat you?”
“God no. He’s not a sicko.”
“Does he force you to have sex when you don’t want to?”
“No, what kind of a weird picture are you painting?”
“Does he humiliate you in front of your friends and your family?”
“No, of course not. I mean every now and then he says something stupid, but no, of course not.”
“Does he come home drunk or drugged up more than once a month?”
“He comes home drunk once every five years. These are stupid questions.”
“Do his friends know who you are? Do they think good things about you, or do they think you are a bitch?”
“No. All his friends like me.”
“And all of your friends like him, right? Meanwhile, he’s telling them you’re a good person?”
“I guess. Never really thought of that. My Dad doesn’t like him.”
“He has to like him unless you told him negative information. They never see each other. And his friends like you because he tells them good things about you. Otherwise, they wouldn’t like you. Not to difficult. Ever wonder how many men do that?”
“I thought we were on the jerk side.”
“We are. I just can’t find anything else. You keep saying, ‘no, no, no’ to everything. What about the kids. Does he beat them?”
“No, of course not.”
“Does he tell them they are worthless, that they should shut up around adults, that they don’t deserve what they have?”
“No. You know that. This is ridiculous.”
“Well, what else do you want to put on the jerk side? We have the TV on Sunday, that he smiles when you come home and that he’s ignorant and disrespectful of your feelings and somehow mean when you’ve put in a long day, particularly on Saturdays…oh, and he thinks he knows everything and that you are an idiot.”
“That’s plenty. Wait, when things go wrong he blames me sometimes. Like if a drain backs up, it’s my hair that backed it up.”
“Is that true?”
“Well, probably, but the point is that he’s not a plumber, he doesn’t KNOW that so he shouldn’t be blaming me and he does it for other stuff, too.”
“OK, we’ll add “blames you for stuff.’ Any thing else?”
“What does there have to be something else? He’s disrespectful.”
“How was he disrespectful again? I didn’t write that down.”
“He makes me feel stupid and I feel like an idiot.”
“He tells me that his way is the right way to do dishes?”
“What causes that?”
“He’s a Mr. Know-It-All.”
“The dishes come out water stained and he thinks I’ve done it wrong.”
“What happens when he does dishes?”
“I don’t know, he puts them away before I can look at them.”
“How else does he make you feel stupid?”
“He talks down to me?”
“That sounds mean. Like how?”
“I don’t know, he’ll say stuff like, ‘Did you start the chicken yet?,” as if I don’t know when to start the chicken?”
“And why does he do that?”
“I have no idea, maybe he’s working on a project. He’s just being a jerk.”
“Got it. OK, now I want you to put all of this on one big piece of paper and we are going to figure out whether you grab the kids and hit the road or not.”
“Thank god. You are a nightmare to talk to. Where did you learn to do this, anyway?”
“In therapy and in a class on thinking.”
“Figures. OK what do you want me to write down?”
On the left side, we’ll call it the jerk side. On the right side, we’ll call it the OK guy side. On the top we’ll call the paper “Should I stay or should I go.”
“Wasn’t there a song? OK…got it.”
STEP L: Prepare a “pro con” list as we did last time, but leave plenty of space for extra notations.
“Now, write down the things we talked about.”
Should I stay or should I go?
Jerk OK guy Arguments Loves kids TV monopoly Loves me Blames me for stuff Avoids typical male behavior Knows everything/idiot (drunk, drugs, fidelity) Treats kids well (not same as loves) Sex Random Acts of Kindness Do stuff together Public Respect for family and friends
“OK, now we can figure out if he’s a jerk and if it’s time to book a train ride.”
“There’s too many things on the good guy side.”
“Doesn’t matter. We aren’t adding them up. You might still hit the road. On a scale of 1-10, 10 being SUPER IMPORTANT, 1 being it doesn’t matter much, write down next to each quality how IMPORTANT this characteristic is to you. Not how good HE is at it, but how important it is to YOU. Got it? In other words, you’re going to go to Target and buy your ideal guy, how important are these things.”
STEP M: Each factor has a different degree of importance in the decision. How important is each factor. Determine that NEXT.
Should I stay or should I go?
Jerk OK guy 10 Arguments 10 Loves kids 8 TV monopoly 10 Loves me 9 Blames me for stuff 10 Avoids typical male behavior 10 Knows everything/idiot (drunk, drugs, fidelity) 10 Treats kids well (not same as loves) 8 Sex 7 Random Acts of Kindness 7 Do stuff together 9 Public Respect for family and friends
“Nope. Now I want you to write down how bad on the jerk side and how good on the OK guy side he is. So if he has tons of arguments, write down 10. If there are only a few, then write 1. On the good side, if he loves the kids as much as anyone could. He gets a 10. If he hates the kids he gets 0. Make sense…put an x between the two numbers so we can keep them straight.”
STEP N: Now “grade” what the status is of each factor.
In this situation, you’re looking at how good or bad a behavior is.
Should I stay or should I go? Jerk OK guy 10 X 10 Arguments 10 X 10 Loves kids 8 X 8 TV monopoly 10 X 8 Loves me 9 X 9 Blames me for stuff 10 X 10 Avoids typical male behavior 10 X 9 Knows everything/idiot (drunk, drugs, fidelity) 10 X 9 Treats kids well (not same as loves) 8 X 9 Sex 7 X 9 Random Acts of Kindness 7 X 7 Do stuff together 9 X 10 Public Respect for family and friends “OK, now take this calculator and multiply all those things and get a total and put it at the bottom of the column.”
STEP O: Do the math. Get your first objective look at the situation.
Should I stay or should I go? Jerk OK guy 10 X 10 Arguments 10 X 10 Loves kids 8 X 8 TV monopoly 10 X 8 Loves me 9 X 9 Blames me for stuff 10 X 10 Avoids typical male behavior 10 X 9 Knows everything/idiot (drunk, drugs, fidelity) 10 X 9 Treats kids well (not same as loves) 8 X 9 Sex 7 X 9 Random Acts of Kindness 7 X 7 Do stuff together 9 X 10 Public Respect for family and friends 335 644 “This is stupid.”
“Because, the OK guy side wins and it’s a huge difference.”
“So what you’re telling me is you’re really angry now; that he’s being a jerk; and that you are very lucky to have him as a husband and a dad.”
“How can you be lucky to have a jerk?”
“Because he’s only a two thirds jerk. Most guys are second or first degree jerks and can’t even get over 200 on the good guy side.”
“Look, these are your numbers. Did you lie?”
“Of course not. But there has to be something wrong. Doesn’t how I feel count?”
“How do you want to feel?”
“I want to feel happy.”
“And how do want to do that?”
“I want to…I just don’t want someone making me feel stupid. I don’t want him talking down to me? This is the dishwasher thing right?”
“Yes but it’s more than that.”
“I don’t know. Like a lot of things. Everything.”
“It’s how he is.”
“What is a jerk.”
“And how is he a jerk? I TOLD you. He is selfish and hogs the TV on Sunday, he complains about how I do dishes and all kinds of stuff.”
“So there is nothing to add to the paperwork?”
“How I feel matters.”
“It might be the only thing that matters.”
“What’s that mean?”
“That’s the whole point. If he is causing your feelings to be terrible 24/7/365, you should get out. That’s why we are doing this. But when you actually go through your week, you are telling me the opposite.”
“Well Mrs. Smart Lady, what do YOU THINK?
“I think that you have zeroed in on some things that you don’t want to feel inferior about. I think that you two should talk and you should tell him what you DO need to see from him when you get home on Saturday. You need to say, “I need you to scowl and yell at me when I walk in the door and get rid of that smirk every week.”
“Then tell him what is the right thing to do.”
“And what if he just laughs at me?”
“What if he did? Isn’t that the point? You tell him what you NEED. You both have to talk together. Maybe therapy. But I doubt it. I’ve seen bigger problems.”
“I DON’T NEED THERAPY.”
“Of course not. But you might go with him and get marital counseling to show good faith…”
“But I really feel like I should…”
“Do you feel that feeling when you get flowers? When you open a nice card? When you are making love? When you are playing a game? When you know the kids are safe with someone they love?…Yeah, that all sounds pretty terrible.”
“You are diminishing my feelings. That’s what he does.”
“Not at all. I’m telling you that you are angry right now and are focusing on one real but real tiny dot of life. A part that has to get fixed. A part that is really important! But overall the rest of the picture is a long way from anything resembling bad. He’s at least 2/3 of a great guy and there aren’t many great guys…there aren’t many PEOPLE that are 2/3 OK.”
“So what do I do? Go home and say, ‘Oh yell at me…I don’t care if you sit on your…'”.
“The opposite. You say you want to talk…quietly….every day until you feel better….and maybe him, too. Chances are if you’re mad, he is too.”
“Who knows, but you aren’t the only one feeling this in that house. You can bet if you are, he is too.”
“Be a lot easier to leave.”
“Have at it. Do it today when your emotions are running high because when you are having sex you’ll recant. When you have flowers you’ll not be thinking about it. Then you’re on your own with two kids in Texas and you’re going to spend the next 20 years stressed out and finding 2/3 of a great guy. Good luck with that.”
And so it goes.
Perhaps the wife’s girlfriend had an agenda and framed things a bit to the “stick it out” side, but overall, she did a good job at getting her GF to look at the things that matter in life, in the relationship. And, she got the wife to actually find out what a closer picture of reality was.
Something she won’t fully ever understand because she won’t have a future experience to compare it to. In other words, she probably won’t leave and get into new relationships to see that overall, she’s in pretty good shape. And if she does leave she can always know she “made the right decision” because she no longer sees him and no longer has bad moments when she feels bad around him. It will be with someone else. If she is looking to be right, she’ll go and justify. If she chooses to be responsible she’ll take action on making things work well.
The relationship needs a tune-up and regular maintenance, but it’s not time to sell.
Could she be missing out on something better?
We always live with that possibility. And that would require comparing all men should could capture, to the husband, and measuring the important factors in her life. Not an easy task…and none of what has been done implies a totally happy ending.
There rarely is…but for these two characters, it’s probably the mathematically sound decision to get an oil change and tune up….and some new tires…
Next time, we go undercover and get to the next phase of more complex decision making. (Though, you could go a lifetime with just this information and be better off than 98% of all people!)
Decision Point–Discover a System of Decision Making That Will Clear the Way to Success
Next Course begins June 6, 2013
If you’ve ever taken one of my e-courses, yes, it’s like them! This E-course lasts 7 weeks and has more than 20 modules. You set your own schedule – you don’t have to be “in class” at any particular time each day. You get VIP access to a secret portion of the web site, and can log in at any time.
If you could point to one word, to one factor, to one element or cause of what happens to you in your life, it is decision.
Maybe you have been experiencing one or more of the following:
Moving is always toughbut when there are more than one person’s job or one person going to a school that they love and the possibility of leaving friends behind makes for what many consider an impossible decision. What do YOU decide? How do you decide?
Your investments have done OK but your total income saved for your future is terrible. There are a lot of options you’ve been told about but you really don’t know what to do. What will you decide? How will you decide?
You are a manager at your company and only have enough budget to pursue one product line. You can choose between an almost sure thing with a very modest return or a riskier proposal that could make you a superstar. What do you decide? How do you make the decision?
You’re on your way home for the holidays. You get stuck in bad weather and are put up at a local hotel. In the bar that night a beautiful woman strikes up a conversation with you and she has offered you the key to her room. What will you decide?
A relative lives with you. They take advantage of you but you can’t let them go because you don’t know what will happen to them. What is the right thing to do and will that thing be what you decide? How will you decide?
An elderly relative lives with you. They can’t take care of themselves any more. You hate the idea of a nursing home or “worse.” You also want “a life.” What will you decide to do?
Your wife is two months pregnant. A test reveals the baby is going to be born with a disease that will require your 24/7 care for the rest of your life. She decides she wants to keep the baby. But you haven’t made your decision. What will you decide to do? How will you make the decision?
Your home has a horrible defect that you can cover easily in the selling process and the defect almost certainly won’t be discovered for years. Revealing it will reduce the price of your home $100,000. What will you decide to do? How will you decide?
You can stay at your present job which you really don’t like that much and live on a predictable but very modest income or you can pursue a venture that has about a 70% chance of success and if it succeeds, you would double your income. What do you decide to do? How do you decide?
“Just wanted to thank you. I took your Decision Point E-Course earlier this year, and have put the ideas into practice. I knew I wanted to leave my job, but didn’t seem able to decide when, how, etc. Well, using what I learned from you, I was able to make a very definitive decision about NOW being the time. I feel great about the timing in my life now and at peace with the decisions I made. This means so much to me! Mahalo nui loa (thank you so very much).”
Stephanie Smedes, Seattle, WA
You’ve been thinking of getting a divorce but you’re just not sure. There are other fish in the sea but you wonder if you can still compete? Can you do better? What about the kids? What do you DECIDE? How do you decide?
You are involved in a custody battle for your children. One of the kids is misbehaving terribly and you don’t know whether you should spank them or discipline them firmly. The result could easily effect the results of the custody hearing. What do you do? How do you decide?
Two women have taken a liking to you. You date them both for some time. They both begin to talk about moving in and a permanent relationship. One is the kind of person you feel comfortable with and would be easy to love. The other is 10 years younger and is celebrity beautiful. Unfortunately she knows it and enjoys being the center of attention. What do you decide? How do you decide?
And those are just a few of the decisions that face real people every day. Decisions that people are forced into and have no idea what to do or how to do it.
THIS COURSE shows you how to make ALL of the decisions above.
And it’s important to note, that the right decision easily can be different from person to person. Knowing how to evaluate THAT is crucial to everything you will do…but no one ever does it….
“As a psychotherapist, I work in the minefield of decision-making and I can tell you that making good decisions is critical to happiness, success and relationships. Kevin Hogan’s course covers the terrain of decision-making with his usual thoroughness, candor and relevance. Kevin is always ahead of the game because of his extensive research, vast and varied connections and sharp mind. His thinking about ‘high noon’ and light a fuse, if applied, would save many relationships and learning the concept alone is more than worth the price of admission.”
Bob Beverley, psychotherapist, www.findwisdomnow.com
If you haven’t taken an e-course with me: an E-course with me is not like an E-course as thought of by the rest of the world. With me an E-course means you will have instruction in several media forms. Video, audio and text. There is NO specific time you must meet with me every day.
About 50% of the people who take my courses collect all the materials and work at their own pace later. The other half work with me and sometimes with other participants when necessary, on projects that are necessary to learning how to make RIGHT DECISIONS.
My courses are universally known to be challenging, results-oriented, pragmatic and show you EXACTLY how to get where you want to go.
Decision making is a function of thinking that almost 90% of people do very poorly. Most people think that if something turns out well, they made a good decision. If something turns out poorly they made a bad decision.
And that conditioning is one of the biggest reasons why people are poor decision makers.
Decision making is first and foremost about MAKING DECISIONS IN THE FIRST PLACE.
Every day, people vacillate on making changes in their lives that they KNOW are absolutely necessary, but they decide to do nothing and hope for the best, only to live a life where nothing ever changes.
This is where we begin.
Elimination of PROCRASTINATION and VACILLATION.
You will learn how to recognize situations where you are about to commit acts of self-sabotage. I’ll show you how to identify it long before it becomes an issue. I’ll show you how to crush self-sabotage so you can make a CHOICE instead of only having the ability to stay with the Status Quo.
This first week’s module alone will be worth the investment in the course.
How would you like to NEVER procrastinate again?
What would happen if you could actually MOVE in the DIRECTION that you want to, even if it is ONLY AWAY FROM WHERE YOU ARE TODAY?!
By the end of week one, you will have daily projects to do for several weeks that will almost literally beat the habits of self-sabotage and procrastination from your life.
Most people don’t know that procrastination is a habit you picked up, but it is NOT your fault.
The same is true of self-sabotage.
I will explain why, where it all started, why it happens to everyone and why it must be eradicated intentionally and with no little effort. By the END of the course, IF YOU FOLLOW the Decision Point Plan, you will have eliminated procrastination and almost all forms of self-sabotage.
I’ll explain in detail why self-sabotage is a little trickier and lurks in EVERYONE’S back yard waiting to strike. I’ll show you how to get rid of it and then prevent it so you never have to deal with it in the future.
And that is only week one! How we doin’ so far?!
Decision IS Destiny
You make decisions all the time. Generally speaking, the more decisions a person makes, the more successful they are.
The better a person is at making decisions, the more successful they are.
When you move from your old home to the home you are in now; maybe you moved because you wanted a bigger house, or to put the kids in a better school district. Maybe it was just closer to where your job is…more convenient.
And of course in the case of uprooting and moving your family, you’re talking about a lot of variables, a lot of things to consider. You’re going to find out how to make the right decision in which house to buy and where to move.
What about leaving your job for some other opportunity?
FEAR enters the picture quite clearly and because the future is seemingly unpredictable, you feel frozen or stuck as to what to do, so you immediately default to stay in your same job. But there is a way to make this decision much easier. And you’ll be pleasantly surprised when you do….
But there are also the smaller decisions of life.
- Which movie to go see…
- Which show to watch on TV….
- What to make for dinner…
- Whether to go to the game or stay home….
- Whether to take a vacation with or without the kids…
- Whether to wear blue or black…
There is a simple method that takes little thinking at all to make these day to day decisions.
And then there are decisions that you make that influence other people’s lives like taking a new job, going into business for yourself, moving to a new area, having a surgery that has risks involved….
How do you know what to do? Don’t worry, most people haven’t got a clue as to how to make the right decision every time, and there is a right decision to make.
Then there are Destiny Decisions…those decisions that you make that will literally determine where you are going to be in three years or five years.
These are REALLY IMPORTANT decisions. Every day I see people screwing them up as if they are no big deal.
You’ll find out a methodical system that might take a very short amount of time or significantly longer depending on circumstances. Nevertheless, you will find out exactly what to do every time.
Obviously there are plenty of Black Swan’s (unexpected random events like hurricanes and terrorism) out there to get in the way of what you want in life, but nothing you can control impacts your life more than decision.
Write that down.
Put it on the refrigerator.
That alone is worth $10,000, yes?
Nothing you can control impacts your life more than decision.
How would life be different if you knew you were going to make the right decision, every time?
Did you know that in life, there is almost always a best decision?
What would happen if you had the method for decision making?
What would it be worth to have a simple systematic approach to decision making where the guidelines are from your head and heart?
Most people are paralyzed with uncertainty about whether they should:
- Ask the girl to marry them.
- Make a purchase.
- Move from one place to another…
- Quit their job…
- Decide between committing one person or another.
- Start a business…
- Ask the girl to go out with them…
- Send the letter or not…
- Decide between hiring one person or another.
- Get a divorce….
- Send your kids to public or private school….
- Choose between a new car, a used car or no car….
- Go back to school to get more education….
- Fire the person or not.
- Invest in stocks, bonds, real estate and not screw up.
- Accurately plan for their future in all areas.
Why Do People Make Bad Decisions?
And…they make bad decisions because…we all have about 8-10 areas of failure in our brain….similar experiences where you make the wrong decisions over and over again.
(Like marrying the same guy five times, dating jerks, working for idiots, saying the wrong thing at the worst time, etc. Sound familiar?)
We’ll repair all of that. (If we don’t, life will be the same tomorrow as it has been in the past….)
Did you know there is a proven way to make the right decision in each of the above choices?
For the sake of discussion, let’s assume that is correct. There IS a method you can use to make the RIGHT decision just about every time.
It doesn’t take a genius to think, “I decide to make more money,” “lose weight,” “get a better job,” “get married to perfect person x”.
KEY: Learning the process of making the right decision involves making that decision STICK, be UNYIELDING and barring a Black Swan, guaranteeing you will follow through.
Over the last 15 years we’ve been fortunate to have studied the raw information about how to make laser beam accurate decisions. Complex software programs have shown scientists how to simplify the decision making process using some mostly simple (sorry, it’s not ALL instantly easy!) rules.
And now, you don’t need the software or the computer any more…
And, by the way, in the last 15 years there has been an incredible amount of research done about decision making that teach and use VERY FAULTY processes, that can’t and don’t work.
KEY: You’ll experience FIRST HAND, how what seems to be an obvious decision, is almost always the wrong one….the costly one…(often the disaster one….)
If you follow that teacher’s advice, you’ll flat out screw up.
You’ll end up with next to nothing and headaches and heartaches to boot.
People, including a lot of authors, are lazy.
They don’t do the research.
They don’t test.
Why should they?
They get paid the same no matter what and when YOU screw up, they just say, “you did it wrong.”
Play along for just a moment.
Can I ask you a question?
Have you ever read that it’s been proven that 93% of all communication is body language?
Of course, lots of times. Everyone has read that.
And of course, it’s not true.
(It’s not even close to accurate.)
How could that be, it’s common knowledge…isn’t it?
There was one study done by a brilliant communication researcher 35 years ago that evaluated people saying one word to another, with the other person only being able to see the person from the neck UP. (that leaves about 90% of the body out of the study.) In this one specific instance, Dr. Mehrabian found that about 93% of the communication sent was at a nonverbal level. Obviously when people communicate with more than one word and people can see below the neck, all kinds of factors change the percentages.
Problem is people read something in a book written by Goofball X and they believe what she writes because she says it’s “scientific.”
People look at their lives and think, “I did everything I was told…”
Yep and look at that life. It didn’t work.
The guru didn’t do the research. They went with the party line and taught that.
I don’t care about the party line because I don’t like the people at the party.
Remember when Benjamin Franklin did his famous experiment about testing each of the virtues (temperance and so forth) for a month so he could eventually become adept at all of them? I’ve heard most motivational speakers talk or write about this. I’d name them, but it would take an entire page…
Anyway…You remember… but he gave up the idea after the first week …he never did the experiment. He wrote early in his biography that he was going to do the project and then soon after decided not to. Basically he said it was impossible to do such a thing.
I’ve never heard ANYONE get that right, either.
But THEY TEACH YOU TO DO IT…
And because you trust them YOU TRY IT and FAIL.
Franklin’s personal challenge didn’t work for all kinds of reasons I’ll show you later.
Question: Why did you believe he actually did the project?
Only one reason: …because someone you trusted or believed, an author, a teacher….told you that it was true.
Want a quick way to filter a crummy guru out?
If they tell you that story, they didn’t get very far in Franklin’s biography. If they tell you that, they’d tell you anything.
By the way…what did Franklin do instead?!
I’ll show you that at Decision Point, too.
The point is that MOST of the stuff people tell you to do…. that is “scientific,” that is based on laws of the universe or proven techniques is nothing more than their imagination having run wild.
…and following their advice will get you the same ultimate destination, every time…
Back to Start. (If you don’t go into foreclosure first.)
So why don’t the vast majority of people make good decisions?
Why are people AFRAID to make decisions at all?
They’ve been given crummy information and worse methods for how to choose and what to do.
It’s that simple.
(OK, there are eight other core reasons people make crummy decisionsevery day, but to pick on your neighbor here is so not cool…)
And what does the Power of Decision Point give you in life?
- Personal freedom
- No limits
- The Ability to Succeed When Most Others Fail
- The Ability to Make Big Changes in Life with Easeand…
- Wealth if You Want It
- A LOT Better Life If You USE The Power of Decision
- Success when you use The Power of Decision.
You’re going to learn it ALL in this 7 Week E-Course.
If you’ve been in an E-Course with me, you know that although they are always convenient, they are also densely packed with practical, real life application as the end result. That is the same here. Everything you learn will be immediately applied to a crucial part of your life because there is a LOT going on in your life right now and a LOT of it has to change but you don’t know WHAT.
Each week you’ll receive a number of emails or documents from me. You’ll have homework assignments that are all real-life based…your life. You’ll be given audio’s to listen to or video to watch. You will once again, find out what “over delivery” means!
You’re going to discover:
- How People Decide
- Why Most People Make Almost All Bad Decisions
- How to KNOW What to do…
- The Four Factors of Luck and How to Tilt the “Luck Factor” in YOUR Favor.
- How to Beat the Black Swan when Bad Luck Strikes….
- All of the Successful Strategies for Decision Including Decision Point: MY PERSONAL SYSTEM
“You’ll never see a sunset if you keep going east! And you’ll never live the changes you want in life if you exercise your decisions in the wrong way. No matter how positive or determined you are. So, if you want to begin making decisions that will help you take control of your lifeat a whole new level, then you need to enroll and immerse yourself in Kevin’s new e-decision-making course. It’s packed with fresh, new, exciting information that will help you train your brain, period. Since I completed the course, I have learned to think better and smarter about challenges, enjoy being able to make powerful, timely and well-considered decisions with new secret technology that until recently, only the elite had access to. In the course, besides being presented in a convenient format, you will be able to start and work on your learning curve at your own pace. And, personalized learning means you can contact Kevin at any stage of the course. I strongly recommend this course, it has solutions that really work!”
David Power, London, England
Do you sell something for a living?
[Pay attention: I’m going to show you how to analyze how your client WILL DECIDE on buying your product or service…and I’ll show you WHAT is going to happen next…think that might be worth $10,000?!]
I’ve never given the system for DECISION POINT to anyone.
I’m not going to write about it in Coffee….ever.
But the time is now to experience a truly transformational experience in an exciting and unique E-course.
I PROMISE YOU:
No one else is going to ever show you this information. You’ll never experience these experiences with anyone else. You can’t find anything remotely similar “out there.”
So essentially, you’re stuck spending seven weeks with me. As with all of my E-Courses, I am your PERSONAL COACH and you don’t have to be at any specific place at any specific time. The program is delivered via audio, video, and text.
So what’s going to happen in these seven fascinating weeks?
I’ll personally show you the problems you face when you make decisions.
You’ll find out the impact of other people on your decision.
I’ll show you how to minimize the NEGATIVE impact of other people on your decisions, including the people you might love or work with every day.
You won’t regret your decisions anymore.
You’ll understand how to MINIMIZE RISK and MAXIMIZE RETURN on both business and personal decisions.
I’ll show you EXACTLY what to do when the RIGHT decision you determine, FEELS completely wrong.
Finding out how your beliefs, faith, values and lifestyle factor into your decisions matters a lot to you. No one else shows you how to be true to yourself and others around you while you decide for your Self or for many.
At the end of the course, you will have one cool, big Coffee Table-Sized Manual that you will be able to refer to forever.
Your tuition: $1995 today!
A couple things before you apply!
- I reserve the right to reject any application for any reason.
- There may be a few group projects that are necessary for making decisions where two people are involved, instead of just you (as in a marriage, with kids, or at work). If you are unwilling to e-mail one of your fellow participants during these two projects do not apply.
- Everything is yours to keep, but you may not share or give away any of this information to anyone.
- If you’re still here with me, then I look forward to seeing your application!