Kevin Hogan

Some people would say that “love is acceptance without judgment”.

Consider the scope of love. Loving relationships are only one aspect of love. There is also the love of humankind, animals, the cosmos, God, and the self. All of these areas of love include some similar concepts and also some themes which are quite different. Without further adieu, let us look at loving relationships.

When you “fall in love” with someone, you often are blinded to many of that person’s faults or negative behaviors. True and lasting love has an important distinction. The people involved in a true and lasting love relationship eventually discover and uncover their mate’s less than excellent points and love them regardless of the flaws.

In this article, we will start at the beginning. If you currently are unmarried or are “unspoken for” and wish to be married or spoken for, this article will show you how to get from now to then. If you are currently spoken for or married, this article will show you how to have a true and lasting love relationship. If you are having some minor challenges in your present relationship, this article will show you how to turn the problems into propulsion systems to even stronger bonds of love and happiness.

Who are you Looking For?

Many people, when beginning their pursuit for a life partner, simply look “out there” and wonder why the person of their dreams isn’t there. Because you are looking for a life partner, an important decision will be made when you find this person. You will commit to a lifetime bond of marriage. With that in mind, you need to consider what you have to offer a partner and what you truly want your partner to offer you. You’re going to want to know who you are looking for before you go looking.

There will no doubt be many people that will meet your description of who you are looking for. You are simply going to be taking note of general ideas about an important someone. All of these ideas are subject to change. Similarly, you will be willing to make some personal alterations, if necessary, to create a happy love relationship.

At first this may seem to be in conflict with the philosophy of acceptance without judgment. It is not. If you are not a well kept person and you meet someone who sincerely cares for you but is having mixed feelings about you due to cleanliness, it would seem reasonable to improve upon an area that can only benefit your environment and yourself.

Your strengths and weaknesses as a potential partner will largely determine your success or failure in developing this life long relationship. In the exercises below you will discover what makes you attractive to others as a life partner and what you are looking for in a life partner.

What the Partner Will “Get”?

In the spaces below fill in what your partner will be excited about getting in you. In other words, when this special person marries you, what are you offering that person? List your most positive spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical attributes. Everything counts.

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What inherent problems do you have, that you may bring into a relationship? (Are you in debt, a member of a religion that forbids marriage outside the faith, are you obese, unhealthy?)

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For each of the ten liabilities you listed above, write down whether or not that liability can be changed. If it is impossible to change something that is an inherent problem about you, write the word “impossible” in the space corresponding to the number above.

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What You Want in a Life Partner

In the spaces below note the things you MUST have in a life partner. These can be lifestyle choices, mental characteristics, physical attributes, spiritual focus or anything you feel is a must. You can know something is a must by answering this question.

If the person had everything else I wanted in a life partner except _______________, would I be happy with this person?

If the answer is no, then you have a MUST or MUST NOT trait that you are looking for. The MUST traits can severely limit your discovery of excellent possible life partners, so think carefully about each one you note. (Some “MUSTS” for some but not all people, might include, being a certain religion, having a certain income level, not being a person with a history of abusive behavior, etc.)

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Now that you know what you definitely do NOT want, consider what you would like your life partner to offer you. This can include physical attributes, mental capabilities, financial acumen, emotional stability, spiritual focus or anything else you believe you would find extremely attractive in a potential life partner.

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You now have a good start at being able to identify what you want in another person and what your contribution to the partnership will be. Once the relationship has begun on a permanent basis you have the ability to create long lasting love and happiness. Most marriages are not of this variety, and the balance of this chapter is dedicated to building a magnificent marriage.

Bond of Marriage

If you are married, the “bond of marriage” may sound like a prison, or, it may sound like a special kind of “oneness.” As a designer you obviously want to have the most loving and intimate marriage you can imagine.

Half of all marriages end in divorce. Of the remaining half, the majority of marriages are not “happy” marriages. This seems to lead us to the conclusion that marriage needs a little more thoughtfulness to be what we want it to be. Marriages that work have partners that work for the success, happiness and love of the marriage.

How can we “work on a marriage?” A marriage is not like a car. A car is something that can break down and be fixed given the right parts. A marriage though, is a dynamic interaction between two people. Changing one part of this system will definitely help the marriage improve. Changing both parts will propel the marriage toward long term happiness and love.

Most people who do not have excellent marriages discover that the marriage is not succeeding for at least one of two key reasons.

1. The partner unconsciously sought a mate who in many positive ways reminded them of their opposite sex parent. At least one partner married someone who in many important ways reminded their unconscious mind of one or both of their parents. You’ve probably heard, “He married his mother.” “She married her father.” The fact that you may have married someone like one of your parents does not mean the marriage is doomed. It does mean that you need to be aware of the inherent problems with this kind of relationship.Surprisingly, engaging in a relationship that is similar in many facets to that of your relationship with your opposite sex parent, is very common. This is one time when truth is stranger than fiction in the majority of cases of mediocre or unhappy marriages.
2. At least one partner married someone who reminded their unconscious mind of their opposite sex parent in aspects that were very negative in nature.Both of these unconscious searchings create powerful romantic bonds when the two people “home in” on each other. In essence they are “completing their childhood,” in some fashion. One and probably both individuals needed to link up with the security of the familiar relationships that they had in childhood. Whether the person had a parent who was caring and loving or abusive, is irrelevant. The point is, the unconscious mind of at least one of the person’s sought out his parent in order to complete his/her childhood and finish the un-finished business that was never done.

SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE ELICITATION

Without having a copy of Life By Design handy, the following elicitation can be used by the partners in a relationship to enhance the relationship. (If you haven’t printed this page, do so now, so that you can fill in the blanks!)

• What about our marriage do you love the most?
• What is the next best thing about our marriage?
• What is the next best thing about our marriage?
• What could I do to make our marriage even better?
• What else?
• What do you believe you should learn about me to improve our marriage?
• What do you think I should learn about you to improve our marriage?
• What are two things I do that annoy you?
• What are two things you do, that you think annoy me?
• How happy are you with our sex life?
• What can I do to make our sex life more intoxicating?
• What would you be willing to do to make our sex life more intoxicating?
• When we argue from now on, should we agree to kiss and make up before the argument gets out of hand?
• What will our “cue” be for that to happen?
• What do you do around the house that you think I don’t appreciate?
• What do you do at work that you think I don’t appreciate?
• What do I do that you probably don’t appreciate as much as you could?
• What do you want to know about my past that I haven’t told you?
• What do you want me to know about your past that you haven’t told me?
• When should I be jealous?
• When do you think you should be jealous?
• How can we go from having a really good marriage to having a fantastic marriage?

All of these questions allow us to discover more about our partner in a couple of hours than we may have discovered in past years. Questions are an under-used piece of communication in our culture. Beginning to gently ask questions will put you on the track to improved communication. Learning what is important to your partner and being certain your partner understands what you need and want makes having a good marriage a much easier task than the guess work that has been going on since the beginning of the marriage.

Write one question here that you need to ask your spouse or loved one.

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If you find yourself struggling with relationship problems, or need help in making lasting personal change in your life, you may want to find out more about Lifestorms: 12 Obstacles to Achievement in Love, Life and Relationships. More information below.