Most psychologists, medical doctors, learned people will tell you that empathy is like IQ. It’s fixed at birth.
And they are wrong. Really wrong.
Does it matter? Hasn’t everyone grown accustomed to the increase in psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists? Isn’t it rather “the in thing” to be pathological in 2025?
I get to speak with people around the world and the world is doing a job at causing people to develop and grow these incredibly undesirable traits that they often wear as a badge of their “right.”
IQ is in no way “fixed” at birth. It is certainly genetically influenced. No doubt but it’s not fixed. You can absolute cause your Self to develop a higher or lower IQ with your actions.
Similarly empathy, as I’ve written for a long time, can be taught. There are articles (somewhere) on this website about that. But because it’s not intuitive, I bring you this today.
A quick summary then we begin with some very innovative and compelling research that was just released about empathy and how it can be learned.
Forever I’ve shared with clients that learning empathy makes you a better everything (OK you won’t be better at being pathological or narcissistic…), so everything but.
It begins with recognizing that you don’t feel pain when someone else feels pain. When they feel happy you don’t feel happy. You haven’t really got a grasp on how they feel in general.
Some people are VERY empathetic. Some people experience empathy on occasion, and others not at all.
Empathy is the core of long term relationships. Two people with empathy makes for a relationship/friendship/business connection that can work.
The way you learn/teach anything is understanding the multi-cyclical relationship between thoughts, actions and behaviors. This nutshell is that actions can cause long term behaviors which create thoughts and beliefs, which cycle through to bigger actions, beliefs, behaviors and emotions.
If you want someone to reduce their high level of narccisism then you have to direct the person to behave in a way that helps others first and themselves second. They need to understand that this is not the life strategy for every situation and context but when they want others to do well they have a way to make it happen.
It’s not as easy as it sounds.
You have to help them see how people feel in different contexts. Best way to do this is using movies where you can see the behaviors played out in front of them and point out what is empathetic or not and make sure they know that acting in favor of empathy is not always the best choice. It is in the majority of life situations. Ask your friend (whoever) what they THINK that person or another person is feeling inside while they are listening to someone else or experiencing the actions of someone else. Ask them to tell you what happens when a non-empathetic person mistreats another person. What’s going on in that person’s, and the recipients minds and feelings.
Then ask them what the process of being empathetic is.
All of this sounds easy but it is work to teach it and have others adopt. Now let’s move to the research that came out this week.
The revealing study by showed us that “when someone else’s joy is consistently paired with personal reward, the brain begins to feel good about their happiness — increasing empathy.”
Even better? “Participants continued to show empathetic behavior toward the character even after rewards stopped.”
Participants not only reported stronger emotional bonds but made more selfless decisions, like choosing gifts the character liked even at personal cost.
Summary: Empathy isn’t just innate — it can be trained by associating another person’s happiness with personal rewards. In this study, participants observed a character experiencing good and bad moments, which were paired with gains or losses in their own rewards.
Summary: Empathy isn’t just innate — it can be trained by associating another person’s happiness with personal rewards. In this study, participants observed a character experiencing good and bad moments, which were paired with gains or losses in their own rewards.
Over time, those whose rewards coincided with the character’s positive experiences began to feel more empathy and act more compassionately. Even when those rewards disappeared, the emotional learning stuck, shaping both feelings and behaviors.
Key Facts:
- Emotional Conditioning: Associating joy with reward increases empathy toward that individual.
- Lasting Effects: The empathy remained even after the rewards were removed.
- Behavioral Impact: Participants chose altruistically, even at their own expense.
When you feel rewarded by someone else’s happiness, your brain starts treating them like a favorite.
Source: That’s the surprising takeaway from new research by psychologists at the USC Dornsife College of Letters, Arts and Sciences
Neuroscience News reports that Study subjects were shown characters facing everyday highs and lows in an effort to “train” them to be empathetic.
To test the theory, the researchers designed a series of experiments in which participants observed a cartoon character experiencing everyday highs and lows, like playing with a dog or falling off a bike.
After each scene, participants saw a number on the screen rise or fall, representing a personal gain or loss for them.
Over time, those who consistently experienced gains from the character’s happy moments began to associate the character’s emotions with reward.
Later, when shown new scenes involving the same character, those participants reported stronger empathic feelings, even when no rewards were involved. They also worked harder to earn rewards while viewing that character’s positive emotions, suggesting the emotional link had motivational force.
Original Research: Open access.
“Reward Association With Mental States Shapes Empathy and Prosocial Behavior” by Yi Zhang et al. Psychological Science
We’ll pick up this very exciting and life changing set of findings up next time. Until then know that you can help them (or yourself) change and you have some ideas as to how!
