“They’re my room mates. I lost mine at the beach yesterday.”
Did you just cringe? He hasn’t “lost,” but he has lost ground. As always, comments like this happen in business and personal life, each and every day.
Rule of thumb is that “SOMETHING” will “work” with SOMEONE… but when you say weird stuff like “nice sunglasses” …expect her to feel sorry for you.
It’s not close to optimal for getting to “Let’s Go.”
Two weeks ago, you and I talked about the magnets of status and dominance (two very different things) that men may possess and why they are more important than anything including physical appearance in gaining a long term relationship.
Nowhere in the top 10 factors of getting to “yes” with anyone is the random compliment or criticism.
Fixing What Can be Fixed
Look, you’ve walked away from interactions wondering if the other person liked you. I bet you’ve given out your phone number and haven’t gotten a call back. And both men and women ask me frequently, “What could I have done differently?”
The answer to the question is typically a long conversation. (Why did you give her your number? Did you say, “go to Facebook. Pull up my profile it’s __________________, friend me.” Why not? That’s creating an instant connection on the other person’s part. Don’t worry you will next time.” And on and on.)
Fortunately, you are going to learn to direct the actions of others as well as ask good questions. Believe it or not, most people want to be told what to do so long as they are not in a position to lose face by doing so.
And of course I’m like you, it may not feel great when someone tells you what to do, but you can only be as good as you are if you don’t allow yourself to experiment with an experts approach. The last few years I’ve been a walking experiment.
I’ve found all kinds of colors and styles that I simply look terrible in.
The summer 2018 photo above was taken in Gdansk, Poland by a finicky woman. Experimenting on the road is tough because you can only live so long out of a suit case. This was week two in Poland out of that suitcase. You think men objectify women? Some women’s scale begins at 7. There is no 6. This is not me at my best or worst. It is a fairly new affinity with pink after testing all kinds of colors, most of which simply didn’t work.
The jeans? They used to be Levi’s. Today Marc Anthony or Lucky are more typical choices. After perusing hundreds or more likely thousands of photos, I discovered that light blue doesn’t work at all when compared to the darkest blues. (The jeans above are mid range blue. I can’t tell you the name of that shade of blue for the life of me.)
Then there is a waist line. Mine is a bit too big in the photo. Probably just squeezing into 34’s. It has been a lot more challenging. You can add two inches on a waist (man or woman) and there is a HUGE difference in how you look. (That 34 number is a good guidepost by the way. If you are not there, consider working at that number as a goal. You’ll be very pleased you did.
There’s nothing “fair” about perceptive judgment. It’s simply how humans perceive other humans. And you want people to perceive you at the top of every scale possible, always recognizing that certain scales matter more than others.
How you look is obviously one of the more important scales as to how people view you.
Now, you begin where you are today. Let’s say you have 50 people determine your photo is a “6 or 7.” It doesn’t really matter where you begin when it comes to attraction, it matters what you do with what you have.
If you’re a guy, you’re in luck. Women use different and more yardsticks than men.
If you’re a woman, you’re still in luck … just a little less luck than the guy.
- If you check the mirror and your waist line says you pay attention to your body, then you have a step up with the person who pays attention to their own body.
- If you look at your clothes and realize that you have paid attention to your clothes, then you have a chance with the person who pays attention to their clothes. It really is about experimenting. It’s hard to try new colors and styles but it’s worth the short term pain.
- If you communicate with gentle power you will be recognized and admired by those who want to be communicated in that fashion.
Of course. Next scale is a toughie because you can pass the “pretty nice looking phase” but then you have to go here…
“Are you interesting to talk with? Are you valuable to the other person?”
A much tougher question, because most people haven’t been taught to BE INTERESTING. Give me a year I can make you captivating and interesting people won’t even draw a look away from you. Here’s what you do today to begin to have an opportunity to have a conversation.
The First Filter of Attraction
Most people can’t carry on a captivating conversation. Coffee Readers have a distinct advantage here as we have gone deep here for a long time. The Covert Hypnosis Study Program will always be able to help you hold your own in a conversation and get to that captivating point, a bit quicker.
But conversation is secondary.
You have to pass the first filter of attraction before you enter into a conversation.
You have almost three seconds to make a good impression. Unfortunately, if you come off as less-than-desirable … you’re stuck with it. It’s set in stone. Once first impressions are formed, they then act as a Time Delay Filter for all new incoming information about someone.
The real life research is crystal: People rely on first impressions much more than later information when evaluating someone. This is why first impressions are vitally important in business and even more so, when looking for a potential “mate.”
Contrary to what most think, first impressions are simply a physical appearance ranking. It’s definitely not just about the clothes you wear. There is SO MUCH MORE that really is covert yet far more potent.
Here are 7 easy strategies to make yourself more attractive at first glance.
Packaging and Context
1. Pick your crowd wisely.
There are only a few things you can do that are equal to having an audience or group see a baby holding your finger. (OK, that’s not true. If a little baby loves you, even a puppy can’t match it…) Essentially infants have perfect “taste.” They only look at or touch what they are certain about or comfortable with. By the way, thumbs up doesn’t work any more. Don’t believe it? Take your hand and cover his hand up and the man looks like a male model. The video shows this baby grabbing my finger before I could shake hands with her Dad… very nice. And the kid just wouldn’t let go!
Meanwhile, when a man is surrounded by a group of women, he is significantly more desirable to females than if he were with his male friends. In fact, women are more likely to pursue a man when he appears unavailable. Even glances from female friends could make a male seem more attractive.
KEY POINT: The fact is that the perception of “being taken” is evolutionarily helpful to other women making decisions about you. If they believe you are taken, you become more valuable to them. After all EVERYONE wants to play with the toy that someone ELSE is playing with.
Women, on the other hand, are viewed as less desirable when surrounded by men.
To put it succinctly, I asked one attractive model in Los Angeles why this is the case. She told me, “if we’re (women) all there together, you have your choice, because we are the basket of apples. Put us in a normal place like a grocery store and there is no contest. If I want you, you’re mine.”
Then I asked her one more question related to this article. “Should a guy have a wing man or a wing woman?”
“You have to be kidding! What can any guy do for you that a beautiful woman can’t do 100 times better.”
She wasn’t a mathematician, but she was quite attractive…
Lesson: Choose your Wing Woman wisely…
And remember what is effective in the business of life tends to be effective in the business of business.
Perception Can Be Power
2. Sense of Urgency and Uniqueness
From this moment forward you are time constrained and remarkably fascinating….
No one wants to get surgery done by the doctor who has an opening…tomorrow morning. If it’s obvious that you are available for a limited time only, you become more interesting to almost everyone.
Invariably people want to know who you are. Every brilliant salesperson has an elevator speech that captivates attention in 10 – 45 seconds.
If I’m on the plane and I don’t want the conversation, I say, “I’m a motivational speaker.”
If I might want the conversation, “I’m a writer.”
That should bring the request:
“What do you write?”
The Power of having someone else dig into you is difficult to describe. Once people take one scoop they usually, nonconsciously dig deeper and deeper.
People can only think about one thing at a time. If they are busy digging into you, the rest of the world begins to disappear…
“What do you write?”
I can point to the person’s feet or hands or what they are wearing. If I choose, I can do a fast 20 second cold reading and then…
“I write about celebrity body language and how people get other people to do what you want them to do. Influence and Persuasion. I figure out who’s lying and who’s telling the truth. Magazines. Podcasts. Books.”
Every situation is different and will have some variation depending on whether I want the conversation to continue further, or not.
If you don’t have the elevator speech down and prepared in 10 different contexts, you miss life opportunities.
If you want the attention of Person X:
a) You want to be perceived as being desired or needed URGENTLY.
b) You want to be perceived as being UNIQUE, fascinating and/or exciting.
If you are at the office then you have to add, “How do I not tick everyone else off while being perceived as valuable?”
And of course how can I continue to be MORE valuable all the time.
And these actions create the charismatic.
Most people say something incredibly dull like “I work for the government.” “I work for 3M.” “I work for the bank.”
Worse, they’ll say:
“I’m a maintenance engineer.” “I’m an office manager.” “I’m a coach.” “I’m a corporate consultant.” “I’m therapist.” “I’m unable to tell you what I do for a living because it indicates I’m as boring as it appears on first glance and what I really do is pretty meaningless in the scope of life…”
How can you figure this out for yourself?
Speak out loud into a voice recorder what you do. Do it 20 ways. Listen back to see what grabs attention and causes or should cause someone to dig deeper.
Here’s a secret. I’ve hated my own voice that I hear when I watch the video from my live events. I think, “I MUST sound a lot better than that next time.” I work on articulation, deepening the voice, creating a more powerful resonance.
3. The Bullseye
The alpha females in pop culture are often portrayed rocking the color red.
Think Marilyn Monroe, Jessica Rabbit, Natalie Portman, Jessica Alba etc. In 2018, black is still the most chosen color picked by the elite, but, the first real color chosen when they want to stand out is Red.
But are ladies in scarlet really more attractive to men?
Research says all signs point to yes.
Red is an evolutionary signal of fertility, health, and dominance in other species. Not surprisingly, humans are also perceived to be more desirable and of higher status when wearing the color red, compared to other colors. Time for a wardrobe change?
Same story. Men in red shirts are perceived as more attractive when compared to men in other colored shirts.
Shoes. Women pay attention to shoes. Shoes are in a Woman’s Bullseye. What do your shoes say? Women will have an instant opinion.
Problem. You can’t ALWAYS wear red. You have to pick and choose. Find secondary colors that you can wear that draw positive attention.
If you can make someone laugh, you can do anything…
Now, if you’re bold enough to use a pick up line, that’s fine. Nonverbal “openers” are typically superior, but being a person who hates to talk much, I like to point or motion to come here when I want something.
Keep in mind that using canned pick up lines that 10 other guys have “used” can unintentionally make you come off as “one of them,” aggressive, shallow, or just plain stupid. It’s pretty easy to get laughed at, instead of with.
Why do men even attempt the cheesy overused pick up lines? It could be stupidity, yes, but the reaction of the female may open a huge window of her personality.
If the female walks away, they probably weren’t a good match anyway. Research has shown the most successful opening line is one that speaks to his intelligence (women pick men with a higher IQ when given the choice) or appealing sense of humor, rather than using a compliment or a sexually loaded remark.
Not many men can make a woman laugh … except of course when she’s laughing at him. Learn timing.
There is nothing intuitive about humor. People are terrible at making other people laugh the same way they are terrible at telling a captivating story. The mistake most people make is they tell a joke (or worse, jokes) instead of telling a well crafted story that is predictably funny.
Be the Expert
5. Body Language
Remembering some key concepts of body language can make it or break it in every social interaction.
Observe the other person.
- Are they leaned in?
- Have open posture?
- Smiling genuinely(when the smile extends up to the muscles around the eyes)?
- Making eye contact (about 45-60% of the time is most desirable, it’s not a staring contest)?
These are all signs of interest.
If their belly button and feet are pointed away from you, they hold their head in their hands, or if they are closed off this is likely to be boredom and the body searching for escape. It may be time to give them some mercy and high-tail out of there. Be aware of the signals you’re projecting. Are you approachable? Use the body language that you would like to see in someone interested in you.
Dressing to Impress
6. Dress to Impress for the Context
Seems like a no-brainer, but really. Staying groomed, clean, and wearing clothes that you feel confident wearing go far. If you feel confident, you will be perceived as confident. Feeling better about yourself will permeate to all aspects of your interactions … your conversations, your body language, your attractiveness to others. Looking good and feeling good make things easier for you, so why neglect this one?
Women are magnetized to confidence. They are repelled by lack of confidence, incompetence and lack of self and other awareness.
What about women? Men have no unified preference toward confidence or lack of confidence. Different kinds of men view both ends of the spectrum as desirable in different situations.
Capture Rapt Attention
7. Be a Flawless Conversationalist
If you feel you have difficulty starting conversations sometimes, listen up. Ease into it.
When in doubt, start light with your immediate surroundings.
Small talk can be painful if you stretch it for too long. If you’re bored, it’s probable the other person is, too.
Transition to current events, and then opinions and ideas. Ask open ended questions. This makes you seem genuinely interested in what they have to say.
When asking closed questions, it can seem like an interrogation to the other party. Plus, their responses may open up new topics. Learn their name, and use it during your conversation. This shows the other person that you were interested enough to remember it. We also react to our own names with positive affect.
Ultimately there are a lot of factors in you being the person who they want to have on their radar. BUT, if you can master these seven things, you will be off to a kick butt start. And do notice that each factor carries over into almost all relationships in almost all contexts.
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