with Kevin Hogan, Psy.D.
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Q and A– Your Questions Answered
My Question Is… I see there is a lot of information on meeting girls using NLP and Ericksons hypnosis. Is there a products that teaches these things in a easy format. Can you use NLP and Hypnosis on line also?
If you could have a friend wiggle their nose and something would be done without danger, fear or cost, wouldn’t it make sense to ask for help in the most efficacious way that person knows? “Ericksonian Hypnosis”…but not any other? Why? What mental deficiency has been programmed in here? Pick up the book Irresistible Attraction and that’s a great place to start at square one.
The Secret is a scam and a fraud. It uses blatant fraud in it’s advertising. It misquotes dignified people from history and makes them look like ignorant fools to sell a destructive idea…. The entire notion is so poorly put together that it has to use circular reasoning to communicate with anyone who really embraces this strange philosophy of “hope until you fail then you have guilt, a counterintention and have to manifest ‘the right way'”….blah blah…it’s utterly and totally bogus. No exception. It does not work. I’ve personally offered to do studies. I’ve challenged people to participate in experiments. They all say, “no,” but they claim it’s science. ALL scientists test, experiment and attempt to prove what they believe/think WRONG. That’s what science is all about. Creating research that gives a good chance to show that something being tested doesn’t work. The Secret? …….forget it. They’ll never do it. I promise. No one involved will submit to participating in experiments or studies. They’ve scammed a lot of people. They will continue to do so until people demand to see studies. And of course because most people don’t understand what science is, they’ll continue to be duped until they’ve been hurt badly.
Think and Grow Rich on the other hand is a distillation of the philosophy of dozens of successful American men from the early 1900’s. The book is written with research behind it. The book doesn’t purport to “always work.” Hill doesn’t make insane claims. He gives a thorough and (in the Law of Success) a detailed and workable philosophy on how to achieve. Is everything he wrote, “true?”
“The Law of Success and Think and Grow Rich are closer to blueprints for success that were as good as they had back in the 1920’s. Things have changed a bit since then, but the culmination of interviews with Ford, Edison, Carnegie, Roosevelt, et al, is really still an impressive testament to Napoleon Hill’s spirit of persistence to present as complete a philosophy for success as possible.
Nowhere does Hill make horrifying claims that raped children and victims of genocide have brought such things upon themselves. Only The Secret does that. (not even RELIGION teaches stuff like that and religion causes a lot of guilt because of programmed beliefs like “original sin!”
Because Hill didn’t come up with any of this on his own, because he interviewed people who were incredibly successful, he got their opinions on WHY they were so successful. He was able to examine their motives and their actions. Obviously people really are poor at evaluating why they are good or bad at anything. But when you talk with a LOT of successful people and collect all of that information, patterns do begin to emerge. It’s a good bet many of them will be close maps of reality.
Gas prices have gone up with inflation in the USA. It’s that simple. Go back a decade and take inflation back a decade. Nothing happened. Neither goes up in a straight line. That said, energy is going to become very expensive, oil is running out and it’s time to start lookin’ for other stuff to make things “go.” As for economics, none of this is very complicated. Some things go up a lot. Education is most notable in the USA. The cost of education runs so far ahead of inflation if you could buy an Index fund for education you’d get rich very quickly. (i.e. Universities are making out like bandits) Health care has gone up so much over the century that, that too would have made a person wealthy far above inflation. Fortunately technology has helped costs deflate and stuff like oil has been more in the middle. I don’t have to be an economics wiz to have figured any of that out do I?
Another question with failure written into the only possible script. What do we CARE if women break a ceiling whether it’s glass or gold? What we CARE about is watching people succeed at what they love to do. Women are in control of their destiny and will do what they want to do.
If they want to succeed in business they will. If they choose to work for some moron who underpays them, they’ll walk out and go to the business next door or stay with the moron. If people hang out with moron’s they deserve what they get. If they stay, they’ve learned nothing in business and are definitely not underpaid. If they go, they were underpaid and will find someone to compensate them to the degree that THEY CHOOSE to be compensated. Remember what you get paid is YOUR CHOICE. You can LEAVE. You aren’t a prisoner at that big box you drive to everyday. Didn’t your Mom say, “if you don’t like it here Kevin Lynn, you can leave?” Oh wait…maybe that was just my Mom…
Frame of reference is such a fascinating phenomenon. How you perceive the world changes your beliefs, your feelings, your emotions. Do I see underpaid women? Nope. I see people who choose to work for someone and refuse to be compensated for their work. The great fact of competition is that if you are the best, you can command your own price. And people who don’t believe that is true are handicapping themselves.
There are MILLIONS of businesses and jobs in America alone. There is no chain tying anyone to their desk at the office but people sure act like there is. And while they believe that, they will refuse to leave and go to a bigger and better box.
There are a lot of women who got sick of thinking about ceilings and decided to build their own vaulted ceiling businesses and women are succeeding. I don’t see ceilings. People who look for metaphors to be real are looking to be controlled, demanding to be manipulated and then complain. A vicious cycle for all. Use this metaphor instead: “Life ain’t no dress rehearsal….” If nothing else, go to the highest bidder. It makes no sense to beat your self over the head with a metaphorical ceiling when…there are 100 million other jobs dying to get someone talented and underpaid!
The Persuasion Prophecy is a new program where four different people interview me about every aspect of persuasion that is relevant. Seduction, power, culture, race, sexism, parenting, business, and the field itself are all subject we look at in a very unusual format. If you don’t like interviews this is not a great choice for you. But if you do, it’s a heck of a good way to learn and put things in context.
Most of the people in my Inner Circle have reported this to be, “The most useful and idea provoking program you’ve put out in a long time.” For the most part they are successful executives (men and women) and millionaires. I take their word for it. Might be worth a look for you.
I don’t know that I’m any better than anyone else. In fact I don’t think I’m amazing at all. I’m here. I work my life around my son. My daughter is out of the house now so that’s one down, one to go. I parent by the law of expectancy. I love my kids with all my heart. I think about my Mom and the mistakes she made and try not to replicate them. I think about what she did well and try and replicate those things. I think about what the studies show and do my best to play the odds. I think about my Father’s impact on my life after he left our family of four when I was 4 years old and realized that presence matters. That someone to be proud of you matters. That someone to hug you and tell you that you matter, matters. I know that because I didn’t have any of that and it feels so good to give that.
Research the company the week before your interview. Know the company inside and out. What is the company screwing up at? What are they desperate for? Are sales up or down? Revenues? Lawsuits? Publicity? Press? Know who you’re talking to so you can talk about something other than you.
Then put to paper why YOU are a rock solid addition to this company in a specific role and be able to answer WHY. What security do you offer the company? What is your competitive advantage over others? Why should they hire you?
My Question Is….What if you are dating a guy and they hardly ever have great eye contact? What does this mean? Is he insecure.. nervous..hiding something – not interested. It’s like he avoids eye contact for long periods of time.
Could be lots of things. It’s certainly not a good sign, but it may have nothing to do with you….or…. it might ONLY be about you. And, he may not have a clue as to why he does so himself. You don’t say the importance of the relationship. Certainly do some couples counseling with someone who is good at the Gottman Methods. If that’s too much, pick up some of his books. If that is all too expensive and daunting, ask the guy….
My Question Is… thought your article was going to share your suggestions for the “real” secret? I own your subliminal DVD’s – isn’t that guiding towards visualizing and taking all necessary steps (yes, action) to reach your ultimate goal? Thank you for your time.
My Question Is…I saw that you wrote back to someone a while back about getting his ex back. I liked it, but I think I need something more powerful. My girlfriend broke up with me about 2 months ago and says she doesn’t feel it anymore for me. I’ve been dating her for 7 years. There’s no other guy in the picture at all. I’m madly in love with her and I know that somewhere deep inside, she loves me too. What would you suggest?
Woman says, “I need time away.” (This works the other way around too obviously.) Time away for what?? There is no “time away to find myself” in evolution or biology. The finding is in the presence of that which is 6′ and 200 pounds. Especially when women are young, biology is running wild with nature’s programming that is very predictable and very easy to understand. Do make sure you read the instruction book.
Women are programmed to be faithful to their mate about 25 out of every 30 days during a month’s cycle. During those fiveish days per month, women are programmed to stray to that which is good looking and symmetrical. And don’t bother telling me that you are hot. That has nothing to do with it. It’s about VARIETY and testing her value on the open market. Two million years of evolution isn’t changed by anything in 2007…. , then return to that which is safe and secure.
That’s biology. The science is hard core rock solid. If she made a strong commitment to you then she is likely to be familiar with the feelings she gets around you. She’ll feel guilty, hopefully, during those five days…enough so to lock herself in the bedroom.
Only during those fiveish days per month will she go and feel waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more intense sexually than the other 25 days. (none of this is fair it’s just the women are created/evolved) If she finds attention from very handsome hombre during those five days, she’ll be tough to reach, the cell phone will be off, the car will get stranded….So don’t for a second kid yourself that your situation is different.
Females don’t leave except by extreme discomfort (and only rarely then) or for the guy who isn’t there…but he almost certainly is. Of course she loves (is addicted) to you on some level. You’ve gotten past the addiction rush phase and she wants to feel that first time addiction again. And in all probability she is…with someone else. (an object in action remains in action until and EQUAL OR OPPOSITE REACTION….) Women’s biology tells them to find the optimal mate to create and nurture a family. Anything else is likely to be transitory.
I have a question for you. Why are you more valuable then other guys. Attractiveness, education, money. Where is your strength? It matters because her biology is telling her that she needs “resources” from you. Nice doesn’t count. That doesn’t take care of children. Education is potential resources. Money is real time resources. Attractiveness is evolutionary code for success. Where is your strength?
Finally, ask to take her out. Go somewhere that is exciting to get powerful feelings of excitement/anxiety going. Not a guarantee but will likely trigger doubt and cause her to waver. Avoid sending flowers every day. And as a gal told me once, “a shirt on another girl always looks a lot better…”
My Question Is…about Covert Hypnosis. How familiar are you with the methods of Derren Brown, a mentalist with British and American TV shows? His instant inductions / persuasion techniques are for entertainment: footage of people accepting blank paper for cash, or giving him their wallet willingly on the street, or having a race track cashier give him money on a losing ticket…. He always makes it right in the end: obviously his techniques are for short term events, as after the effect the “Victim” snaps out of it, realizes what has happened, and their items are returned. I do not see the use of identical techniques as sales tactics in anyone’s best interest: beyond being beyond the pale, the sale would not stick, for one thing.
Derren Brown is a great entertainer. He makes for great TV and is very good at what he does. maybe the best. There is no practical application for the entertainment tools he uses in business. Just watch what he does and see if ANY of it makes business sense. Obviously not. He’s a good egg. He’s funny. He’s brilliant. Have fun with him.
My Question is….I am Treza, I am working as an assistant Hr in a multinational company in Egypt for about 2 years and I have some problems : 1. I cannot build a long and powerful relation ship with my colleagues, they all think that I am malicious because I do not speak a lot with them and always do not like to talk about others and involve myself in other business, I only mind my own businesses. I am always shy to communicate with my manager as we have different lifestyle , and shy to talk about my believes and my personality as I am afraid that these believes do not take the admiration of others.
2. My supervisor caused me a problem which she stopped my promotion and always convince my manager that I have mistakes and that I am not qualified for promotion, now I am not able to convince my manager to change her mind and I stopped in the same position Please advice me , and if there’s a free online training regarding what I need to resolve my problems let me know.
A. Forget the free online training. You are going to have to gently confront your boss. Ask her specifically, “What do I have to do to be promoted?” “What else?” “What else?” Then, “If I do those things and the results are successful, will you indeed promote me or would I run into resistance because of our past conflicts?” Then, “What can I do in addition to the minimum requirements we’ve talked about to help you make your job easier and your performance look better to your superiors?”
Now, this goes back to the glass ceiling question above. If your boss neglects you or fails to promote you when you feel you have earned it, LEAVE. You are not a prisoner. Now one note of caution. I am unfamiliar with the laws and culture of Egypt. You may not have 100% latitude as to where you can go. I don’t know that. But assuming you can sell your self to the highest bidder and successfully help some company grow, don’t become a prisoner AND if the environment becomes unbearable, do you really want to waste your life trying to get someone to promote you who has some other agenda? Get out and go somewhere that quiet, hardworking people are appreciated. Heck, come HERE. I like quiet people!!
My Question Is….Read your last weeks article..my understanding of deframing is different from yours..so i just want to clarify…here is how you explained it: Deframing is a linguistic tool that can only be effectively implemented when you know a person’s match/mis-match meta program, or, when you know the person definitely wants your service, product or offer. In a nutshell, you give the customer one opportunity to purchase your product or hire you. If they don’t, you make it explicitly clear that you will move on and allow others to take advantage of your services.
This is the basic deframing pattern: This is effective for people who are on a fence for no good reason. “It makes no difference to me whether you buy this X or not. You have until tomorrow to make a decision and reserve your X or not. If I don’t hear from you by noon, I’ll know you didn’t want it. No pressure. Bye.” My understanding: I would rather say my prospect occasionally when he is giving me senseless objections. ” I DON’T THINK THAT YOU DON’T HAVE THE AUTHORITY TO MAKE THE DECISION” What i am doing is blowing his frame of reference( objection)- DEFRAMING and taking the conversation to entirely emotional/ different ( away from his objections) level/frame. Please comment. Thanks for reading.
Good comment. I think that both of our definitions are too narrow. “Deframing” is an undefined word (not standard use in English) and I think we can do better in creating a definition. Thanks for writing!