with Kevin Hogan, Psy.D.
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A. I’ll give you authors instead of book titles. Daniel Wegner, Daniel Schacter, Steven Pinker, Susan Blakemore, Timothy Wilson, Antonio Damasio, Josephe Le Doux. All are scientists that write so normal guys like me can understand.
A. I get asked this question alot, and, I get told this statement. And of course it’s not true. The study that was quoted was about the significance of facial cues when communicating a single word. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a self-help writer quote the study accurately. (And most don’t quote it, they just say something is a fact.)
In day to day communication it’s reasonable to say that in most context, nonverbal communication including proxemics makes up over half the ultimate message received by the receiver.
Q. Is it true people remember only 10% of what they read, 26% of what they hear, 30% of what they see, 50% of what they see, read and hear, 70% of what they say and 90% of what they experience…..I read this in a book on ADHD?
A. This is another myth I see literally all the time. Most trainers and speakers quote these numbers as if they are gospel. And they are not true. No study ever showed any of this to be true. (And remember a study doesn’t prove something, it just provides one piece of evidence.)
A. There is this fascinating assumption that because of the “Law of Attraction” that thinking about “negative events” is going to cause failure.
Nothing could be further from the truth. People who don’t think of negative scenarios are *destined* to failure. When you look at successful people they have a strong faith/belief/sense of certainty in themselves and they tend to be people who see all angles of everything.
People who only think “positive thoughts,” will ultimately fail and must fail. So, don’t feel guilty because “it’s not working.” “It” *can’t* work!
Positive thinking as far as visualizing outcomes can be very helpful. (However there’s lots of ways to visualize incorrectly so no result occurs.)
Change your results by using Outcome Based Thinking in The Psychology of Persuasion. A doctoral dissertation provided support that my model of thinking doubled sales of real estate agents for a company. And of course, one study doesn’t mean “proof” but it’s a hell of a start!
A. Probably not. I say probably because there is some evidence that it might in some places and circumstances. However, the research leans toward “no.” Now…ask me if someone who kills a kid deserves a “second chance…”
Q. I use affirmations and they work great. Should I switch to the Positive Affirmation Questions?
A. Maybe not. If you’re living in the house of your dreams, married to the woman/man of your dreams and are happy with your life, why bother? If not, definitely use PAQ’s for a few months and see what happens!
Q. I was just listening to your CD’s on Body Language and in the section on strategic positions (stage left, stage center, stage right) I began to wonder if it is possible to do this while sitting down at a table?
A. It absolutely is!
A. Yes. We’ve definitely found enough support to do this. It’s not as “easy” to anchor emotions in limited space but it certainly is done every day and you can do it.
A. That gets a big “depends.” There are two rules of thumb. One is you should behave how your customer believes a credible X person would behave. Secondly you should show some similarities between you and your prospective customers.
A. Only when trying to cash a check or getting pulled over by a police officer.
A. Remember that old Steve Martin response to, “How do you get a million dollars and not pay taxes?”
Answer was, “OK, first you get a million dollars…NOW…”
The answer is you START by writing. Write a lot. get published. Promote your work like crazy. Get help with getting your book out there.
You can take our How to Write, Publish and Make Yourself a Bestselling Authorcourse beginning in May. Watch in Coffee for registration details next month.
A. Especially women by men…yes…this is not all that uncommon. Questions are important when woven with minimal self disclosure. And obviously when people have been in an interrogation situation their old engrams will trigger powerful emotions in a current setting. Make sure you take advantage of every way possible to help that person feel comfortable when communicating. See Body Language Home Study Course.
Q. I know that you mentioned in your Irresistible Attraction book that when someone of the opposite sex speaks we should lean in (show interests). Does that mean when they are not speaking, and when we are speaking we should lean out?
A. After you have nonverbal permission leaning is helpful. Prior to that, leaning back when talking can help. I recently was cornered by a participant at an event and as he spoke he spat on me and was so emotionally involved with his hands he knocked half the diet pepsi out of it’s container. Lots of lessons to be gained there!
A. No. Sometimes a nod of the head can be just as effective, especially early in a conversation or after rapport has been broken.
Q. I sell collectable books online. In the past I would write in the description “previous owner’s name inside cover”. Recently I realized/thought that saying the words “previous owner” might be a bad idea, for 2 reasons. First, who wants to be reminded that someone owned it before you. 2nd, and probably more importantly, reminding them of the previous owner reminds them the book isn’t there’s yet. Now, and instead, I write something closer to “Your book is in good condition. There are light pencil marks inside cover”.
A. My guess is you’ll find your sales increase from that single change.
A. Unless the previous owner was famous…leave it out….yes your reasoning makes absolutely perfect sense.
Q. I desperately need your help with a situation I’m having at work. I am attracted to a man I work with. I thought he was attracted to me as well, however, I sense that I may be wrong. I’ve noticed that every time I see him, he stands up very straight and, regardless of what he’s doing, he puts his hands in his pockets!
A. I would say that shows he likes you quite a bit. You matter enough to stand him up and he cares enough about screwing up with his hands that he is putting them away so he can’t do anything stupid like spill diet pepsi on you!
Q. It became very obvious when I saw him two days ago. He was sitting at his desk and I “popped in” to follow-up with him on a potential client. He was working quietly at his desk and as soon as I peeked in and said “Knock Knock” and smiled, he sprang up from his chair, dropped his pencil on his desk and stuck both hands in his pockets. I’m a pretty intuitive person, and his behavior gave me a weird feeling.
A. I’m not intuitive at all and I bet he’s in love. Two things cause men to believe women are in love with them, touching them, looking at them and saying Knock Knock… (I guess that’s three.)
Q. Another question: he doesn’t blink when I talk to him. He doesn’t look away and he doesn’t smile, either. When I sat down with him a couple of months ago for a face-to-face meeting, he seemed almost nervous – so I smiled (I have a great smile!) and laughed to try to make him feel comfortable.
A. Think about it. If he likes you AND has a business relationship with you, he *can’t* LOOK at you the way he wants to…so he looks at everything “above the neck.” (You should see what he does when you turn to leave…) He’s probably very nervous. He doesn’t want to risk long term embarrassment by playing a card and asking you out. Ask him out and you’ll both be happy and more. Laughing isn’t going to make any guy comfortable. We will wonder if our fly is open or we look stupid.
Q. I’ve had many phone conversations with him and he’s always professional. I’ve seen him in the elevator and he initiates conservation, yet when we are alone he behaves strangely. I don’t know what to make of it….can you help?
A. Sounds pretty normal to me. He likes you. Ask him out to lunch. Lunch is pretty benign and it’s a decent way to break the ice.
Q. You recently reported on research that showed that people who were primed with goal oriented (positive thinking) words like “achieve,” “finish,” and so forth were pitted against a control group of people who were “primed” with neutral words. The research showed that those people who were “thinking positive,” who then failed, did poorly on a second task and were in a bad mood. The people who were NOT thinking “neutrally”, failed at the same task and then went on to a second task, reported no mood change and did better at the second task! Does this mean thinking positive thoughts is foolish? What does this mean?
A. As you’ve been reading in the series on positive thinking, it is really more about thinking that produces results, even when you fail and then go back to attempting producing results. Thinking “I know my business will succeed,” is arrogant and foolish. Thinking of 50 ways it could go to hell and then taking care of all those things in advance is what successful people do.
“Positive thinking” as it refers to “I am great,” “I am attractive,” “I am smart,” and similar thoughts is not only a waste of time it’s counter productive as the research shows.
When I think of Positive Thinking, I think of Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman, which I really think of more as the power of non-negative thinking or better, countering negative thinking.
Q. I heard before that if one says or does something in front of a mirror, that they will better internalize that behaviour. Therefore, if I get my girlfriend to say “I Love You” while we are standing in front of a mirror, will she more internalize those feelings? And her love will last longer? Kevin, please tell me what you think.
A. You ask your girlfriend to stand in front of a mirror and say I love you, don’t tell her I had anything to do with it!!! No she won’t internalize those feelings more. The love almost certainly won’t last longer. There is no evidence that talking in front of a mirror has any benefits.
A. Your girlfriend is going to kill you because you just told her you loved her in the mirror! To be totally “male” here. If you ask a 6 on a date and she says, “no” you can then move “down the ladder,” whatever that means to you and perhaps three girls later at…3…you get ‘yes.’ Now she doesn’t clean up after herself, doesn’t want to work or shower…but she said yes. How good you feeling inside? Your assumption/prediction was that because ONE 6 said “no” that ALL 6+’s will say NO.
Nothing could be further from the truth and by asking 6.5, 7, 7.5, 8, 8.5, two things will happen. Either a) they will all say “no” at which point you are back where you started and have lost nothing. b) One of them will say “yes” and your opinion of your “self” will dramatically rise. Finally, in the latter case you win courage points because you faced more difficult challenges with intention and desensitized yourself to fear involved making you more competent and thus growing in self-esteem.
Just don’t ask in front of a mirror….