with Kevin Hogan, Psy.D.
Do YOU have a question? E-mail askkevin AT kevinhogan.com
Do you have a question for Kevin? Your question will remain anonymous unless you specifically ask us to post your name! If your question is published, your name will be submitted in a drawing for a gift certificate to be used in our catalog at any time. Dozens of gift certificates have been awarded – submit your question for a chance to win!
THIS WEEK’S QUESTION(S):
A. Use Friday as your appointment setting day. It’s a day when no one wants to see you and because you are calling for appointments to be made for the following week, you’re putting something far enough into the future to make it seem a long way away. You’ll easily get your six.
A. Check out the article, “Scent of Love?”
Q. What other pieces of Music, besides Lozanov’s Active- Passive Concerts, mentioned in the Accelerated Learning article, have been found to enhance Learning and Memory?
A. I feel comfortable with the list in my book, Through the Open Door: Secrets of Self Hypnosis. Please see the book for a complete list. I list a few samples here:
Beethoven, Concerto No. 5 in E-flat Major for Piano and Orchestra, op. 73 (“Emperor”)
Brahms, Concerto for Violin and Orchestra in D Major, op. 77
Bach, Choral Prelude in A Major and Prelude and Fugue in G Minor
Bach, Fantasy in G Major, Fantasy in C Minor, and Trio in D Minor
A. Stock markets normally rise during an election year. But the opposite has happened this go ’round. I don’t like the markets right now. I’m invested heavily in gold and cash. I’m hoping that China and the Emerging Markets can decouple themselves from the influence of the U.S. but I’m skeptical, so I’m divesting in those areas slowly. The U.S. markets just look terrible to me. They have for this entire decade. Way too expensive and a very decent chance at a big downside. Gold/cash/currencies.
A. If you live in Texas, Florida, Nevada, Massachusetts, Iowa, Oklahoma and Texas, yes. Other states, maybe not. Mentioned states have asset protection laws that prevent frivoulous lawsuits from costing you your home. Other states don’t. Thus, sometimes it’s best to not pay off the mortgage and have other tax deferred investments in their stead. That said, a paid-off mortgage is a very good thing indeed compared to not….
A. All five sets are very, very different from each other. They don’t necessarily build on the previous material. Generally I simply release what is new that matters to you and me in influence and persuasion. Heavy focus on consumer behavior, changing minds and decision making. See each set’s specific description here: The Science of Influence Library.
Wealthy people have a fundamental understanding that money is nothing more than a representation of value and that the value represented provides present and future security….and that security is important to the individual. People who live by the seat of their pants a pay check away from being broke and five paychecks from losing their house are choosing to not build wealth.
Most people who “try” to build wealth, fail, because they don’t get the concept that *building* = effort. The Secret about ‘The Secret’ is that it doesn’t work. (It can’t work.) You do have to think and work and focus and network. Concentrated Effort brings about Momentum and you need both. One or the other won’t cut it.
People who try to get wealthy spend a half hour each day thinking about their goals. People who get wealthy set their goals for the day in about three minutes, then over the next 12 hours get them done. About a dozen things come to mind.
Part of the difference is evident in the question. Abstract representational change is necessary. And it’s not about you, just how our culture phrases the question. People who build wealth don’t “get” rich. “Get” implies something is received and yes that is true but there is no causal implication. In other words, “make money” reveals a mindset that is different from “get rich.” The sad thing is that if I write, you are going to “make rich,” it doesn’t sound right does it? Words simply represent our thoughts as they are currently structured in our brain.
Now let’s just think about this for a moment. Do I want to “get rich” or “make rich?” The answer of course has to be that you “make rich” or it won’t manifest and MAINTAIN. I can’t remember a wealthy person saying, “I got rich,” or “I want to get richer” or have a general thought process that put the words “get” and “rich” together. I think this semantic distinction has gone unnoticed and I strongly encourage people to avoid thinking or talking to their kids in terms of “get money,” “get rich” or “get a job.”
KEY: It implies no personal causal element and, where there is no causal element, the brain cannot link up a result to the thought. The brain can’t show you how to “get rich” because it’s a destination-only picture. But the brain can literally show you “make money.” My first image is a printing press printing money. That my brain identifies as a PROCESS. It has a cause and an effect. That’s what the brain needs to BEGIN to put into motion – actions that will lead to the result of wealth.
“Build wealth” is better because although wealth is hard to picture for a lot of people, at least you have the causal element, “build.” Better yet: “Build an empire.” Here you have a picture and an action process.
The next semantic problem in the question is wrapped up in “try.” I find it very difficult to “try” and do anything. I succeed at a lot. I fail in the short-term at plenty. And there is always effort. But “try” almost implies, “I gave it a shot.” You never hear anyone say, “I tried to go to the store for groceries but I just wasn’t motivated.” You can temporarily fail to get to the store but you can’t fail forever! The word “try” has always bugged me.
So, our language, not the grammar, but the abstract verbal representations of what we THINK and FEEL, reveals much about how and what we actually do think. It’s not that it’s “bad,” it’s just that it can reveal the inability to link cause and effect – and THAT will cause ultimate failure.
I was playing blackjack last night and the table I was at was, unfortunately, cold. The cards were favoring the house in a dramatic way. As so often happens, a player got up, yelled at the dealer as if the dealer had anything to do with the losing streak, and stomped away. The fact is the dealer, the cut, the position at the table, NONE of those things significantly effects the cards you are given beyond random chance. They are all face down and even if someone makes a bad decision and “it costs you” money, the fact is that over one million hands it makes no difference what the guy before or after you does. That’s hard to swallow because blaming someone takes the responsibility away from SELF.
Responsibility means that when you don’t make money, you only have one place to accept responsibility (which is not blame by the way) and that is in your SELF. The sole initial cause of the person’s demise was their willingness to sit down at the table in the first place. That could also be the initial cause of victory but the wealthy person accepts responsibility for success and failure.
When someone says, “the pension fund went bankrupt”, the initial cause of responsibility is not with the company that cheated the person out of their money or mismanaged it, but the individual’s illusion that someone other than them SELF should be responsible for their life and livelihood. It’s really simple math but people don’t want to think about it. You can’t get paid money when there is no productivity to return for the money or the “system” will go broke. My fourth grader can show anyone how this works but that’s because I taught him that you need to have money in the account to take out. With pensions, it’s not there and ultimately, not just an individual, but a generation will have been sold down the river….I’ve never heard a wealthy person talk about “collecting” social security or a pension. Wealthy people want or demand to be responsible, at cause, for their income, passive income, wealth and legacy.
Jesus put it best (as he often did). “To he who has much, much will be given. To he who has little, it shall be taken from.” Jesus was a pretty wise man, and in my experience people who are responsible (at cause) are given more responsibility and entrusted with more …far more than those who are not responsible (at cause).
Later Jesus also tells the story of the talents. (Talents were coins) To one man he gave 5 talents. Another 3 another 1. The first man doubled his money and Jesus applauded him for his work. The second man, given less (nothing is fair or equitable in life) also doubled his money. The third man given one, came back to Jesus with just the one talent, afraid that Jesus would be angry if he lost it. The Master not only became angry but called the man “wicked and slothful,” for burying it in the ground. The man did NOTHING with the money Jesus gave him. There was no pension in Jesus mind. Only personal responsibility and action.
These two stories from the Bible are the core of my philosophy in wealth building. People who do not find these stories in their belief structure are very likely to fail like the wicked and slothful servant.
Beyond a certain point, the more you give to a person the less they can do for them SELF. If you don’t teach your kids how to cook, they will eat pizza and burgers for the rest of their lives. Teach them how to cook and they will eat well and look good for a long time. Self responsibility is a crucial differentiating factor in wealth and barely squeaking by.
The third element that differentiates people who have vs. have not, is education. There are two kinds of education, both are important, and you need to have at a lot of at least one to live well and you need the real life education materials if you are going to get to six or seven digits annually. Almost every wealthy person (someone who has earned and MAINTAINED) I know has an ENORMOUS personal library. I had a big library four years ago when I had well over 4,000 books, tapes and CD’s (which I began donating to charity and giving to friends.) Today we’re down to about 2000 books and programs. It’s mighty empty but it feels rewarding to have given half away!
One of my favorite personal libraries I’ve seen was Jeffrey Gitomer’s. He didn’t just have a lot of books and an incredible system for finding them instantly, he had autographed copies of crucial books. That says something. He puts emotion onto and into his knowledge base. When there is emotion, there is retention and action follows. I don’t think Jeffrey will mind me telling you that he has a library of what appeared to me to be in excess of 10,000 volumes and frankly, everyone who earns six figures or more annually, that I know, has a huge library. I’ve gone to Barnes and Noble many times with my dear friend Elsom Eldridge, author of The Obvious Expert. He typically walks out of the store with two armfuls of books…no exaggeration. I usually leave with 4-6 books. I like to visit BN at least weekly.
On my table right now is a book about China, one about the psychology of love, another about happiness, another about Buddhist philosophy and therapy, a book about investing, commodities, and those are just the nonfiction books on the coffee table. Over to my right on the floor… here are books about Stanley Milgram, 5 books about cognitive and neuropsychology, neural organization and function, 4 books about religion and spirituality, 6 books about asset protection and wealth structuring, and a total of seven books about women and how they buy both planned and unplanned items. There are also, CD’s and DVD’s…and well…you get the picture.
I want ONE idea or strategy from each book. I will definitely implement it. I always do. That book will be worth at least $1000 to me if I get ONE idea. If I get five ideas, that’s going to be worth at least $5000. Some ideas and strategies aren’t measurable in dollars but in …love points…giving or receiving…or in emotional gratification of some kind….There are exceptions but if I can look at your education library, I can tell you about what you are worth or will be worth shortly. Books that have bibliographies in business and personal development programs from people who have DONE IT, will make you a lot more money than those without. Why? Because there is a level of thought and dedication that happens when you write and incorporate others ideas who you want to credit.
Understanding one man’s isolated experience, while interesting, is not that useful when it comes to building wealth. I will sometimes buy a book without a bibliography, but if it’s not fiction, I won’t hold my breath…because it might just be! Sometimes the ideas I get are about what NOT to do when I write a book, or what NOT to do in life. What NOT to do in business or raising kids.
The fourth factor in differences between wealthy and those who are not is focused action orientation. People who say they want to be wealthy want to have all the lights green. I just want the first one green…and sometimes I’ll wait at the red light for it to turn green. That’s what wealthy people do. It’s terrifying to people who have not been taught ot have a focused action orientation. Literally fear provoking. That’s understandable but not forgivable. Once someone experiences the fear of moving to the next step, that is when they MUST move or they will forever be paralyzed. There’s so much to say about this I couldn’t fit it all into one brief article.
People who don’t become wealthy find other things to do with their “down time” than building an empire. I can’t remember having been bored once in 15 years. There are times I wish would have been…maybe…but when I hear someone say they were bored, had “down time”, there is one thing you know for sure about that person…..
The fifth factor is delayed gratification. You cannot delay gratification on your real life education. You can’t delay it on investing. You can’t delay it on starting your small in the house business and making it GO, but you must delay gratification elsewhere.
As a rule of thumb, if you can write it off on your taxes you can spend money for it. If you can’t wait until you can enjoy it without the guilt and shame that comes with needless debt. Debt for knowledge is the single best investment on the planet if you get the right information. Debt for buying real estate is good if you get the right properties.
Debt for most other things is not so good….The other way you can tell how much a person will have in five years is by comparing the automobile they drive with their annual income. If the retail cost of the car is more than 50% of the annual income and the annual income is lower than $100,000 per year, the person for all intents and purposes can’t become wealthy. In the United States an automobile is directly tied to status for most people. It’s such an easy comparison. Most wealthy people don’t drive the most expensive car they can find. Annual income divided by 10 is the maximum a car should cost you including maintenance and fuel. If someone spends more than 10% of their income on transportation…and they don’t fix that problem…they are making it very, very difficult to become wealthy. Almost impossible. I know a lot of people who make $40,000 annually only to have a $25,000 car. That math precludes wealth. It’s simply…not…possible. The worst case scenario is that the person earning $40,000 after taxes annually must spend no more than $4,000 per year on their payment, insurance, fuel and upkeep. Exceed that and it becomes very difficult to enjoy life, be happy and become wealthy.
The rest I will save for the Millionaire Mind/Wealth Package program, which if you don’t have is worth looking at.
Q. How do I apply the techniques in the Science of Influence series, into my profession and personal life?
A. One at a time. Listen to the CD’s over and over but practice one technique/strategy at a time. Get good at it and move on. Once you are good at something it has become a habit and doesn’t need further review.
A. Realize that you have a very limited supply of time on this planet before it runs out. Make good use of that time. Optimize your time. Use Time for Love, Time for Money as a good starting point.
A. Health (control over weight, nutrition, healthful living)
Ability to Control Emotions
Have a Sense of Purpose
Have a Life Plan
Be a Creator
Strength in Personal Relationships
Strong Sense of Beliefs and Values
These are all covered in The Three Disciplines Program.
A. There are a few influencing factors but generally 20 K for an hour 25 K for a half day. If you’d like more information, see Kevin Hogan Speaker.
A. Not any more. I retired long ago…
I do, however, endorse C. Devin Hastings Certification Training for Hypnosis. See MN Institute of Advanced Communication.
Q. Do you know anything about these Large Group Awareness Trainings (The Forum/Est/Landmark,etc.) and threir use of NLP? Should they be practicing if they are not licensed? Are they taking advantage of the practice or the people that attend?
A. Est was around long before NLP “Techniques” were popularized. These trainings can run the gamut from harmless to dangerous. Sometimes they are helpful in teaching people to confront. Other times they provide an irresponsible and panic creating environment. People have the right to assemble and free speech. Are they taking advantage of people… oh…..my….
Q. I recently took a personality test similar to the Ross test….I scored above average for a sales type position…however the test said I have a low energy level…after thinking about it I realize that I have always sold to my comfort zone….any feelings on this or how to correct it?….. Can’t wait for the next influence series …..Thanks
A. I have low energy too. Who cares? Do you really let your body run your brain? (Don’t answer, I know the answer…) Get your butt off the couch and go SELL. For heavens sake, you took a test to find out what you already knew?! Get out of your comfort zone and create a phobia for staying in it…at least for a few years!
A. You bet. There is nothing wrong with walking out at strategic points. If you are willing to walk away, then remember to adopt that possible strategy in place of an E-Bay mentality of bidding until the person who bids the most “wins,” because sometimes that person simply gave too much. Herb Cohen said it well, “I care, but not that much.” Breaking rapport can add unpredictability and prove valuable at times.
Q. My question is…Codependancy. I’ve been working through your “Lifestorms” program (great program, by the way) and also reading through a book on co-dependancy recommended by a counselor. My question, “what is your opinion on co-dependancy?” Does it exist? Is it self-sabotage by another name and will addressing the self-sabotage schemas in “Lifestorms” address co-dependency problems? I do believe that in one of your programs you mentioned that co-dependency was a function of evolution, not really a condition/disease.
A. Probably doesn’t “exist.” That would require a definition. Codependency is one of those words that doesn’t have a definition that is agreed upon by even a majority of people. Thus it’s impossible to answer this question in an ideal way. If we assume that codependency means “a need for another” to be “fulfilled,” that is an evolutionary function and is certainly not likely to be dysfunctional in any significant way. If codependancy means something else to you, then it’s a different ball game. It’s very popular currently to believe that you don’t “need anyone,” to be fulfilled. Science and psychological evidence show the opposite is far more fruitful as far as emotional, physical and mental health. The evidence speaks for itself. E-mail with your definition you are using and we’ll try it again next time.
Q. People of my country need American support we do believe that if you stand to promote real, real Democracy it will work and the people of the Horn will be save from any “terrorist”. Ogaden people are suffering by the hand of Imperialist. We need to get our rights. Wwhat we want to American people is to stop helping the dectators like Zenawi and stop giving the green light for indiscrimate killings, mass arrests, slavery many Somalis in Ogaden region of Ethiopia.
I would like to thank you for your helpful manner by the way I have questions that I wanna know why American people keep silence when it comes to human rights abuses. Does it mean it is not American problem it is African problem?What makes me angry is that U.S army is here(Djibouti) only few miles away where the atrocities are unfolding. There are rapes, mass arrests, blackade and lootings in Ogaden. Wake up America stop the chenocide the sooner is the better. We are starving but we have a land which is rich natural resources why?When the African people be wise ?
P.S please, please Kevin comment the brutality of Ethiopian on the civilians in Ogaden. I am temporarily an English teacher here (Djibouti)but my dream is to be a good leader !and I do support the national Independence struggle of Ogaden(south-eastern of Ethiopia)led by Ogaden National Lebration Front (O.N.L.F). Best wishes, Ahmed
A. I can only imagine the hell your people live in. Any answer I give you will not help anything as far as people suffering, so in a way I feel helpless. But here is the answer: When the United States did a pre-emptive invasion into Iraq, several years ago, our nation was told Iraq had “weapons of mass destruction,” and that’s why we were invading without a country attacking the USA. For some people like me, going into the country to get rid of a butcher like Saddam Hussein was a good enough reason. I didn’t see why finding a pile of weapons was all that important. But I don’t make the calls, the nation’s leaders do.
The US invaded, there were no WMD, they got Saddam and decided to stay and build a democracy. The people of the US for the most part aren’t happy with that. It’s cost a trillion dollars and many lives. So the people of the US for the most part would not be supportive of going into yet another country and launching a pre-emptive strike even against another butcher.
I think the world looks at Africa as something they don’t want to think about. The world sees poverty, starvation, death. They feel guilty. They block it out of their mind except when they do a concert to raise enough money to feed a few people for a few days. And the world has no way to comprehend the magnitude of what happens in Africa. It’s heart wrenching for me to tell you this. I hope putting your letter here in Coffee will raise some awareness, but the reality is that the world doesn’t want another pre-emptive launch into a country by the USA. They don’t want to see the USA flex “their muscles” And it’s easier to think about the USA not flexing their muscles than it is to see starving people in Africa fed or horrible atrocities stopped.
Q. As far as I understand you are a very talented and well known psychologist. I want to buy a book – 13 Ways to Build Happy, Lasting Relationships but I am not sure whether it will help me to build my relationship stronger so I though I will ask you first.
My partner is a man who loves women and is surrounded by good looking women and I know he has sexual relationships with them. At the same time he says that he loves me and they are nothing to him. This is hard for me to understand and is non-believable. I love him whole a lot and I was hoping to get married to him sometimes soon.
What I want to know is if it is possible to make the relationship so strong that my partner would not have to think about any other women or at least if he does than its not on emotional and affectionate level but just for sexual gratification.
A. You need more than a book. First, there is nothing you can do to change your boyfriend’s interest in women. (I mean, there is but it isn’t legal…) You can look like Pamela Anderson and that isn’t going to change his brain…your experience probably has nothing to do with how you look or who you are.
Your boyfriend’s candor is impressive or at least bold. His statements are probably close to true if not true. Humans are polygamous by nature and it’s fair to say that most people don’t want to admit that. Your alternatives are to find someone who will tell you a different story and hope they are telling the truth, or to stick with this boyfriend and get him so involved in your relationship that he has no time for others.
I would encourage you to talk with a good therapist as these revelations aren’t exactly self-worth building and it would do you some good to get it “all out.” But this isn’t a “read a book” thing. So what to do? Start by talking with your boyfriend and then the two of you together seeing a counselor/therapist, find some point of agreement and go from there if you both have the drive and desire to do so.