with Kevin Hogan, Psy.D.
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This Week’s Questions:
Question: Why don’t you talk more about hypnotic language patterns. Everyone else who teaches Covert Hypnosis does. What do I need to know?
Answer: When I had a licensed hypnosis school, we did research on language patterns. The net benefit was not significant over communication without the language patterns. I think they are sort of like candy. They taste good but don’t do a whole lot for you. When I coined the phrase Covert Hypnosis the purpose for developing this new area was that of subtle influence. The problem is that so many people get this weird picture of what hypnosis is. Don’t get me wrong, language patterns are fine and fun, just make sure you really study what influences others if you want to be effective.
Question: I heard about the new Covert Influence CD program from one of your Inner Circle Members. Should I get this or is everything covered in another of your programs? I don’t want to replicate material.
Answer: Zero replication of my other CD programs. The studies have ALL been released since my last program. (And this is a pretty cool program. I don’t self recommend too much… this is exceptional. It’s very high bang for buck.)
Question: In your book Irresistible Attraction you are pretty direct in your advice. Are you saying that people are “losers” if they don’t follow your directives?
Question: How do I send body language signals to make myself appear to be more attractive to women?
Answer: We all have five really important “numbers” as far as how attractive we are to others.
- How do we appear live or in photos when mixed with other photos of random people?
- How do we appear live or in photos with a “story attached”? In other words, how do we appear with a built in bias?
- How do we appear when we are optimally dressed and adorned for a specific viewer or demographic?
- How do we appear when we are non-optimally dressed and adorned for a specific viewer or demographic?
- How are you perceived for the context you are in and what +/- bias rides with that context?
Then mix and match the above into all the permutations.
Specific body language signals are obviously context dependent.
So if you want me to tell you to “flip your hair” or “sit straight” or “stand tall,” while interesting….those aren’t real answers.
You must optimize to the context and to a specific demographic or viewer…of…you.
Check out The Secrets of Body Language for more.
We put a value on marriages “failing” as opposed to termination. There is an inherent sense of ownership of other people that we have that is evolutionary, but the concept of “failure,” is interesting. What failed? What really failed was that two people who signed a piece of paper have now signed another piece of paper changing the first piece of paper.
- Marriages are no longer arranged. Therefore people have developed a belief structure that is believed to be based on preference but in real life it is often about proximity, “necessity” and randomness. Preference should theoretically lead to greater happiness and satisfaction. The research proves otherwise.
- Watch for more people to stay married in the next decade as times get tough and the criteria for a “good marriage” shifts from wish fulfillment to an economic base.
- Marriages are culturally seen as significantly less important at this point in history than ever before.
- People are having fewer children, making marriages easier to dispose of when children reach their teens.
- People want the person they live with to be superhuman. They develop an ideal pre-marriage picture in their minds and very few people will live up to the dream/ideal. It leads to disappointment of the failure to meet standard X.
- Negative emotions generally are most likely to be caused by interactions with people. And the people we spend the most time with are the humans that live in our house. We fight, argue, bicker with them and then we contrast that with the apparent sanity of others in the outside world. “They” all look like much better choices. (and about half the time “they” are, and about half the time, “they” are not)…..and the only way to measure is to leave X for Y.
- Power struggles that never existed in the past.
Where we often judge other people outside of our home relatively accurately, but we misjudge ourselves/spouses/partners, usually as being more impressive than we really are in the case of the self and much less impressive in the case of the other.
- Marriage is a legal term but most people don’t know, literally, what they are signing up for because there is no deal involved. There is no list of responsibilities, outcomes, criteria measurement, plans for changes when x goes awry, etc.
1. Can traffic lights teach more patience?
2. Can GPS’s make you more mindless, or even more of a follower (you really don’t need to think, you do learn to automatically do what your told and are even rewarded when you do with a nice little chime)?
3. How do more people around affect one?
4. Can more options of what to do make you like what you do less? How else can they affect you?
5. Can you please help?
Answer: Great questions. Traffic lights control behavior and keep people alive. Patience? That would have to be studied. GPS. People have (or don’t) their own internal GPS. It’s largely innate. Your guess might be right that our sense of direction will decline with the use of GPS. Another great subject for a study. More people “around,” should increase self and other awareness and change a host of dynamics for the individual. More options definitely can cause people to do less of what they like. Options don’t make (most) people happy but the idea of freedom, of options does. These kinds of things would fall into the “Covert Influence” category. This week, I’ve released a new program on Covert Influence: Hidden Persuaders. Check it out.
Answer: Yes, well the 4% profit for 2008 was enormous I’m sure. Until we find out just how much of our near future we are going to give to corporations that have squandered their profits on their own money, the answer is NOTHING. If the government is going to print as much paper/money as they imply, then eventually we’ll see major inflation. But for now, certainly keep bullion but focus on small at-home businesses that you can build in any economy. That’s what I *really* like in 2009. BTW, gold isn’t really an “investment” rather it is an insurance policy against….well… countries printing tons of paper which will eventually need to be “paid for” by citizens. If you want to “play” with the market, have fun, but don’t play with more than you can afford to lose.
Question: Someone showed me an article you wrote for a magazine and you said that “modeling” techniques can be a disaster. First, what does that mean, and second, if we don’t model successful people and organizations what WOULD we do? How does Kevin Hogan model success?
Answer: People ask the wrong questions. “What did you do to become successful?” Interesting but not efficient. There are lots of people who did the exact same thing and went bankrupt. Additionally, modeling a set of beliefs or principles is only a starting point, not an end point. Certain beliefs yield different results in different contexts. This is a subject for a program, not a quickie answer.
10 years ago if you would have done a modeling project on GE, JP Morgan, Bear Stearns, Morgan Stanley, you would have found out what these monster companies did to get to where they were at that time. They looked like honest, ethical, smart …geniuses. But 10 years later…a different picture, with different results and they still did the same behaviors and answered the questions the same way.
And as far as “modeling” my way…that is a fairly arduous process that I’ll write about elsewhere. Look for a CD program in 2009 on Success Factors. Until then, see my new book, 12 Factors of Success.
Question: What are the most important body language gestures to look for?
Answer: Things that interest me are the orientation of a person’s body in conjunction with others in the environment. I watch eye movement. I look at really small behaviors like finger scratching, tapping, and behaviors that change as the topic of conversation changes. I like to see where a person’s feet are pointing in contrast to the person/people they are with. There are about 30 core things I look for, in general, before doing a microinspection. The program, Secrets of Decoding Body Language can help.
Question: Which of the core desires you talk about in Covert Hypnosis are the most important?
Answer: The two things that matter are the desire for sex/reproduction and the desire for tranquility which is opposed to the flight/fight response. Those two things will drive most behavior. It could be argued that everything else stems from these two desires.
Answer: You can read my published reviews at amazon.com. I thought Gladwell told some interesting stories as he often does. He hit on a couple of things that others don’t like to talk about – like the 10,000 hour principle. Gladwell doesn’t attempt to answer the question of the causes of success. Instead he picks out a few observations and weaves stories around them.
Answer: I do very few JV’s. Rare. You can send me your product and I will look at it. Make sure I have it before you email me or your email will become one of hundreds that month. Your personal reputation and integrity will matter as much as the product. I think I did 3 JV’s in 2008. Please keep your expectations in check.
Answer: Because you test, you study, you adjust to what works and delete that which doesn’t. NLP has some very useful ideas and ideals. It also has some that are 100% wrong and will screw up just about any system they are applied to. It’s important to not confuse a philosophy of belief with science. There’s a lot of good people in NLP. There’s a lot of areas that will make for fruitful future study. Metaprograms and Strategies to name two.
Answer: Put yourself in a setting where you have status, authority or some advantage over and above others in the environment. This will break down barriers. If you can’t do that, then brand yourself as very different. Check out the book Irresistible Attraction. That’s what the book is in large part about (though it works for both men and women).
Answer: We changed the name awhile back to The Inner Circle. It’s a group of innovative thinkers and doers that have become a strong network of accomplished individuals. You can apply, if you meet certain qualifications.
Question: Influence: Is there anything else you can tell me other than what is on your website…Like what to say to people to get certain reactions…such as to get people to want to help you with something, not just help you because they have nothing better to do?
Answer: There are over 600 pages about this on the website. Pick up the new program Covert Influence: Hidden Persuaders.
Question: I was told by a coach that I do not come across as believable. Any advice would be great on how I can go about turning this around 100%. Before you answer me you will want to view my home page to learn a little about me.
2) Your website offers NOTHING to your desired customer, the person looking at who you are and what you do. It’s one big ad…with a little about you and more about NLP. Why? There are a million NLP’ers, there is ONE YOU. You are the Unique Factor in the equation.
Question: Been with this girl for approx. 2 years unofficially. At first, was single/happily dating other girls. Now I care for her a lot more. She seems to LOOK better even. I’m debating for several reasons whether I want to ask her to be my girl (I turned her down last time she asked). The main reason I want her to be my girl is because I want her to be faithful to me. HOWEVER I feel like since it’s been so long, if I make that commitment I’m making it for life. I mean, I COULD make the relationship work if I wanted but I also want to be with other girls from time to time (something I won’t do if in a relationship, I’m trustworthy)
The reason I’m debating is because she isn’t as affectionate as I’d like her to be, (she used to be too affectionate), and I don’t know if we’ll see each other enough (lives 30min away). What I’d like to do is find out if these would be changes she’d be willing to make. BUT if I say “If u do this, we can have a relationship” then she may feel like she “can’t” do it, but still want the relationship. Then it would kind of mess up what we have now (a kind-of-relationship with no commitment) If she CAN do it then great. If she can’t tho, then I just want things to be how they are now, but if I bring up the relationship thing then that won’t happen. (It seems that introducing the reality ‘we aren’t in a relationship’ to the conscious mind is not good…she KNOWS we aren’t, I don’t lie…it’s just better not to talk about it in my experience)
Answer: You want her to be your girl BECAUSE you want to her to be faithful?
If she lives 30 miles away, the probability that one of you won’t be faithful is about 80%, +/-. Resolve the distance issue or it will be an issue. If she wants to be with you, she will, if she doesn’t you won’t. You can talk with her about this. Women do bite but not as badly as you might think.
Everyone is in a relationship of some kind. There isn’t just a few pigeon holes. Talk about it with her. Have her define what she thinks about your experience together and ask her if she’s ever thought about changing it. If she is interested, you won’t hear NEVER. If she’s not, you will hear something that starts with “N.” Asking her at a random moment might keep it under the radar but eventually it’s going to be necessary to talk about don’t ya’ think?
Question: I’d like to ask you a question on Journey method- memorization technique. I’d like to know how long journey can we make to memorize huge computer books like Microsoft Office 2003. Can you suggest me an example of a long journey.
My second question is that can we use a movie to construct our new journey. We can see the movie over and over again to memorize the locations and then use these locations as mental pegs. Can you suggest me any movie like this.
Answer: I see you read Through The Open Door: Secrets of Self Hypnosis. The answer to your question is, you aren’t going to be able to memorize huge computer books. And in fact, you don’t want to. The time investment for very little return isn’t worth it. Thanks for being a loyal customer!