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Influence: Being Assertive
Without Being a Jerk

by Kevin Hogan

Stereotypical Scenario: Husband/Wife. Wife wants to go see movie A, Husband prefers B. Woman believes that being assertive means getting her way at almost any cost after "Assertiveness Training".

That's not assertive, that's ...not bright.

Note: we could have been politically correct and switched the roles, but I assert my right to not partake in political correctness...

Meanwhile....

The correct answer is that, about half the time, give or take, you subjugate (come in second to someone else) in relationships, and it's generally a good thing to do so, as long as it IS roughly half the time and it's in the context of the real world.

Assertiveness trainings neglect real world, real context living and put things in these tiny frames like, "I want to go see a movie and he's coming."

Real world means that there are 100 or so things going on in the course of the day, it's very possible two people are equally splitting "who gets" and "who has to" stuff, but for whatever reason "it" comes down to something like a movie choice to trigger this newly trained aggression.

Stupid? You bet....and nothing new.

Now, let's return to our stereotypical example that started the article....

The first person says, "OK, let's go see 'B', I'll go see it with you", is sometimes looked "down upon," which really is a cultural screw up.

Reality...about half the time... it's just good judgment to go see "B" and the other half of the time the person simply should say, "Hey, I really do want to see "B" today..."

As with all problem-solving and effective decision-making, you have to widen the scope of the context to see what the problem is.

In this case, there is no problem. The guy didn't say he didn't want to see "A" he just said he wanted to see "B."

OOPS!

See how easy it is to read into what people say....that which doesn't exist in reality?

Now, go back and read the scenario. It's pretty fascinating what we read into other people's thoughts and actions....what we project that they believe.

The guy said he wanted to see Indiana Jones and The Crystal Skull.... nothing else. He went to take a shower....but let's say he leaves his socks on the floor.

(Moving on to stereotypical scenario "B"....)

To read more about the distinctions between assertion and aggression, turn the page...

Continue: Page | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 |

Kevin Hogan
Network 3000 Publishing
3432 Denmark #108
Eagan, MN 55123
(612) 616-0732

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